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I Read It So You Don't Have To: Secrets of the Southern Belle (by Phaedra Parks)

I hope the past few days have been restful and rejuvenating for you all, but -- as I'm sure you must have learned by this point -- the journey to personal betterment is an eternal endeavor. We haven't got a moment to waste, so let's bid adieu to the sunny serenity of the California coast and settle in down South with Real Housewives of Atlanta's Phaedra Parks, as she descends from her ivory porch swing and illuminates the esoteric in Secrets of the Southern Belle: How to Be Nice, Work Hard, Look Pretty, Have Fun, and Never Have an Off Moment.
True to the title's descriptive and straightforward sentiments, Phaedra begins the book with a concise synthesis of the worldview she hopes to present:
I believe every woman should be a Southern Belle or minimally aspire to being more ladylike, charming, and intelligent, because we should all be treated well.
As she continues, we get our first glimpse of the deep well of compassion that underlies Phaedra's mission to improve the lives of those around her.
Honestly, I sometimes feel sorry for women of northern persuasion. There they are rushing around in their baggy, drab clothes, doing everything for themselves and looking like they just rolled out of bed. They don't seem to understand there's a better way.
Thankfully, I no longer have to count myself among that witless horde. I feel like, until this fateful moment, I have been living like one of those people from the black-and-white "before" footage of an infomercial -- haphazardly bumbling through the most menial of daily tasks with no way of knowing how much brighter my world could be. Phaedra has freed me from Plato's Cave, and I have no choice but to follow her instruction and strive to shape myself in her image.
A true Southern Belle is known -- first and foremost -- for her fundamental kindness and compassion towards others, so it is only appropriate that the book's first section is succinctly titled, "Be Nice." However, even this simple directive has been trampled by the corrupting influence of the modern world. As Phaedra laments,
Unfortunately, as we see more migration from other parts of the world, we also see an increase of poor manners and rude behavior.
She elaborates, providing specific examples of the personal injuries incurred as a result of these unmannered interlopers.
I find it particularly odd in business, when the salespeople or tellers don't speak or thank you for your patronage. Don't they realize that without customers they would not have a job?
I, too, find it offensive when minimum-wage workers have the nerve to act like actual human beings rather than automatons at the mercy of my personal whims, and I appreciate that Phaedra is bold enough to ask the question that has undoubtedly been on the tip of our collective tongue. Yet somehow, she still remains humble enough to freely admit where she has room to learn; here, she lets the reader in on "something I've never quite understood about non-southerners:"
They're suspicious of basic southern warmth because they're worried it's insincere. But at the same time, they will tell you the most inappropriate things! They tell you stuff about their health that you don't want to know. They launch into crazy stories about their terrible childhoods and how misunderstood they are. They complain about what happened long ago, and they fret openly about the future. Then they tell you what they paid for things and you want to crawl under the table.
Frankly, that's not very attractive.
What is attractive, then, you may ask? Effusive compliments, for one thing -- "I don't know why some people are so concerned with being sincere, when being nice is so much more effective." We also learn to "never contradict anyone, even if you know they are wrong." Phaedra illustrates this particular lesson with the following example:
If someone tells you that your taxes are due on April 30 instead of April 15, you look puzzled and say, "Goodness, I had no idea. Did they change the date?"
And what happens after that? Either the person says yes and you're forced to play along with whatever bizarre delusion and/or power-play your companion is currently indulging, or they say no and you say -- what? "Right, of course, I knew that the whole time!" Or, "Gotcha! It's April 15th, you incompetent fraud!" Or maybe, "I don't even know what taxes are -- money is for menfolk!" I just can't imagine any of those scenarios playing out with less discomfort than a simple correction, but after four years living in New England, I can only assume that's just northern negativity clouding my vision.
We are next presented with a list of "compliments that come in handy," a few of which I've transcribed below for immediate incorporation into your own phrasal repertoire.
What an interesting way to think about it. (Good for a point on which you disagree with someone.)

You thought of every little detail; I love a meticulous lady!

Wow! That is so original. I would never have put it together like that. (In this South this might mean, "I hate it," but in a polite way.)
Boss Babe is out -- Meticulous Lady is in! Phaedra reminds us to keep health concerns -- "especially female issues" -- far from polite conversation, then shifts gears to a much-needed lesson in verbal comportment. It's not just their "attractive regional accents" that distinguish Southern Belles from their less-attractive northern counterparts; they also devote great attention to evoking grace through their cadence and tone.
Sometimes northern women can sound awfully abrupt. It's just a habit they have, poor things.
If you'd like to take your place amongst esteemed gentility, however, I urge you to change your ways! For one thing, when speaking, "slip in something affectionate so that a very harsh reality doesn't come across as rude or abrupt." For example, see how much unpleasant confrontation is avoided with the following turn of phrase:
Darling, don't you know you're too smart and pretty to be the town drunk?
Silly girl, haven't you heard? Addiction is for ugly people! You should also feel free to use these compliments liberally throughout conversation -- "You don't have to mean it, you know." As an example:
If you can tell that someone has put a lot of effort into a particular aspect of her outfit, just draw attention to it. Sparkly stars-and-stripes high heels could be terribly tacky, but you bet they're supposed to be noticed, so go ahead and do it. "Those are certainly patriotic shoes!"
Let me take a crack at it -- This book certainly has a lot of words in it! Writing a book is such an impressive achievement -- I'm sure it feels so rewarding to finally see it In print! And I love the way you occasionally use infinity signs as bullet points -- it's so evocative! I think I'm getting the hang of this!
"Another southern difference?" As Phaedra informs us, "we try not to make direct requests. It just sounds so forward and frankly unpleasant if someone comes right out and says what they want from you." Phaedra's Starbucks barista must really despise her -- If it isn't too much trouble, could I bother you for something to drink? No, anything's fine -- I wouldn't want to impose.
Almost like a modern-day Rosetta Stone, the next passage introduces us to the nuanced connotations that pervade a true Belle's vocabulary. For example, Phaedra tells the reader that "if I tell someone 'Goodness, you must have spent all day on your hair. I am so impressed!' it really means I hate it." Before I manage to convey how impressed I am by the book before me, I read on to learn that "when you're discussing a homely girl, you generally say, 'She's so smart!' The general thought is you can't be both ugly and dumb. God wouldn't be that cruel." Please excuse me while I take a few hours to re-analyze every compliment I've ever been given in my entire life.
Now that that's done, here are a few more translations to help you decipher the Belles in your life.
Belle-Speak: She's a nurse-in-training.
Unvarnished Truth: She dates only old men.

Belle-Speak: She's a butter face.
Unvarnished Truth: Everything looks good but her face.

Belle-Speak: Hope he's got money.
Unvarnished Truth: He's unattractive and pays for affection.
The second one is not even really a euphemism so much as Phaedra trying to demonstrate her knowledge of hip modern slang, but I digress. We transition into advice for conversation starters -- "don't throw them complicated or controversial subjects like politics, animal rights, or local zoning." Truly, I can't tell you how many times I've been approached at a party with an opener about municipal ordinances, and it just kills the mood like nothing else. Worried about how you'll ever find something to talk about under these restrictions?
Don't worry about sounding interesting. "Interesting" is an overrated notion. Just fill the empty air.
That…explains a lot, actually.
Our next lesson is in reference to dinner parties -- "don't make a fuss, unless you're complimenting the cook." In case you're confused as to how this guidance should be interpreted, Phaedra clarifies with some examples -- "'Is there meat in here? I'm a vegetarian' is the wrong kind of fuss." Since I typically ask this question while flailing my arms wildly and making intermittent whooping noises, I completely understand how it could be disruptive amongst refined company. Although I'm starting to get a bit nervous that I won't be able to keep track of these seemingly countless rules, Phaedra's next assurance puts my mind at ease: "If all else fails, remember the secret weapon of the Southern Belle is delicate helplessness."
In the next passage, we learn that, "if there's any characteristic that defines a Southern Belle, it's her habit of firing off little notes on any occasion." Just as with verbal compliments, these notes require little to no basis in factual reality -- "obviously it's perfectly all right to exaggerate." But while truthfulness is more or less dispensable, your choice of writing implement could have grave repercussions. As Phaedra exhorts, "Never, ever write a letter in pencil. You might as well not bother at all." Within the realm of pens, however, "blue and black are perfectly acceptable, even if they do lack panache."
We return once again to the topic of appropriate subjects for conversation, and are cautioned against asking anyone their age. Of course, wild speculation is encouraged, "as long as you're out of earshot." In the next tip, Phaedra declares: "Don't discuss the cost of anything. Any discussion of cost is just in poor taste." I just can't help picture how much of a nightmare this woman must be at a fast-food drive-through. Our final instruction?
Don't discuss hair color. Men always pretend they don't dye their hair, so you just have to go with it.
At first glance, this seems reasonable enough, especially in the context of the social graces espoused by the book so far. However, Phaedra's attempt at further explanation quickly begins to careen off-course.
For women, it's a little bit more complicated because you have the question of whether the drapes match the carpet, so to speak. And I do know some who dye the carpet to match -- that was the big thing in high school. Now with all this weird waxing, you don't have to do as much dyeing, but that's another thing you don't talk about either!
Let's see if I've got this straight: I should always believe a man about his purported hair color no matter what, but if a woman tries to lie about hers, she'll get caught…because I will inevitably be forced to confront the realities of her pubic hair? An intimate partner, sure, but I just can't imagine this situation arises with enough frequency to merit even the few lines its given in this text. And honestly, at this point, I don't even think I want to know what Phaedra means by "weird waxing."
This section of the book concludes with a final catalog of "the 'She did what?' mistakes." The list starts off strong with "wearing white to another woman's wedding." However, by the time we end on the most unimaginable of atrocities -- "drinking beer from a bottle" -- I'm beginning to wonder if this list was actually supposed to have been titled "things the sexy homewrecker does in a bro-country music video."
The following section is titled, "Work Hard," and I am immediately inspired to do exactly so by the implicit challenge thrown down in Phaedra's opening lines, in which she coquettishly asks, "Who always delivers a presentation on time, with the printed materials perfectly written and proofread?" I'm usually quite good at taming my most pedantic impulses, but contrarian passions I never knew I had are foaming at the mouth to find an upcoming typo and self-righteously call her bluff. Although perhaps I should find a more feminine way to phrase that; as Phaedra cautions, "we don't like to think of ourselves as driven, because that sounds so neurotic and unpleasant."
We next learn that "you cannot be a Southern Belle unless you understand what it is to be ladylike." But unfortunately, it is all too easy to be caught up in the ways of the world and lose sight of this primary calling.
A lot of women today enjoy being the feisty, brassy, foul-mouthed kind of gal who drinks with men and shows a lot of flesh. They think it's cool.
Phaedra continues and reflects that, "I've heard the argument that this is progress, from the feminist point of view, but I don't necessarily agree." I can never remember -- which wave of feminism was the one with all the feisty gals? But clearly, their agenda has gone too far! How, in contrast, does a delicate Southern Belle behave?
She looks as if she's heard of sex, probably has had sex, but has no plans to have sex with anybody in the immediate surroundings.
I'm not sure exactly how to convey this highly specific sentiment in any other way than purchasing a t-shirt custom-printed with the phrase, "I have heard of sex, have probably had sex, but have no plans to have sex with anybody in the immediate surroundings," so I hope that approach will suffice for now. Phaedra follows up by cautioning us that,
A lady never puts in the shop window what isn't for sale.
Personally, I like to think of myself as more of a museum than a gift shop, but to each their own! We next learn more about the delicate balance a Southern Belle must achieve in order to maintain her esteemed position. For example, while "she doesn't cuss and doesn't talk dirty," frigidity is similarly unbecoming -- "if somebody tells a good dirty joke in her vicinity, she'll laugh." I'm barely a third of the way through this book, and I'm already exhausted at the prospect of having to remember all of these hyper-specific edicts. It's no surprise that the Southern Belle has to remain consistently vigilant; as Phaedra intones, "coming from a Pentecostal family, I hate to see a woman down more than two drinks." It seems to me like the simplest way to avoid such emotional turmoil would be to simply refrain from compulsively tallying the beverage intake of strangers, but I soon learn there are far more perilous hazards lurking around every corner. Phaedra shares her personal strategy for avoiding the very implication of incivility in the following excerpt:
I don't ever go to the bar at a party; I think that just looks terrible. If I must have a glass of wine or crave a fruity adult libation, I'll ask a nearby man to procure it for me.
Sir! Procure me a fruity adult libation -- tout de suite! But I would hate to diminish the male gender by implying that they're only good for the acquisition of potables; no -- men can be leveraged in an increasingly broad array of day-to-day tasks. As Phaedra shares:
I have friends who have never in their lives pumped gas for their own cars. They will ask a complete stranger to do it for them. One of my besties from New Orleans will flag down a man, give him her credit card, and have him pump and pay for her gas.
Honestly, I can't help but wonder if this might actually be some kind of avantgarde performance art, in the tradition of Marina Abramović's Rhythm 0. Because the idea that this gambit has never gone horribly, horribly awry truly strains credulity. As I read on, however, I learn that my current train of thinking is sorely misguided.
Sometimes when I'm at a grocery store the fellow bagging the groceries will ask if he can take them out to my car. Why would you say no to this? But sometimes women do. And I look at them and sigh and think, "Poor thing. She has a lot to learn."
Thankfully for my personal development, the next chapter -- titled "A Crash Course in Being (Selectively) Helpless" promises exactly the sort of content that I so desperately need to understand. As Phaedra explains, a Southern Belle is "never intimidating, because some things she just can't do on her own." She goes on to offer concrete examples of how to incorporate this ethos into your life on beginner, intermediate, and expert levels.
Experts: assume help will arrive. Flat tire? Pull over to the curb, and don't sweat it. Can't figure out which wrench to buy at Home Depot? Or how to program your DVR? This is what former boyfriends and other gentlemen are for. Believe me, the age of chivalry is not dead.
Rent due? Don't sweat it -- a gallant gentleman likely already has a check in the mail. House burning to the ground around you? You should know a Belle doesn't walk down the hallway on her own two feet! Bear attack? I'm sure a male bear is just around the corner, ready to jump in and defend your honor!
Without a hint of irony, we transition to Phaedra's advice for the workplace. We learn that the quintessential gentlewoman is savvy, competent, and always at the top of her game. For instance, at her workplace, "she figures out how to work the coffee machine and the copy machine." With that kind of go-getting attitude, the Southern Belle will be bound for the C-suite in no time! Provided, of course,
She never does that thing I hear of in the North sometimes of telling you how little she paid for something. Why would you brag about bargains?
I can't hear the phrase that thing I hear of in the North in anything other than the voice of Tinsley's mother, Dale. Except she would probably use it in reference to something like "giving compliments to your daughter" or "weight gain." Regardless, a more appropriate question at this juncture might be, "Are you sure this book was proofread quite as judiciously as you claimed?" As I scan the page, my eyes happen upon the line:
10 percent for tithing, if your religion encourages tithing, which mines [sic] does.
Of course, it would be entirely uncouth for me to brag about my typographical superiority in this context, so now seems as good a time as any to exercise some of my newly acquired techniques. Oh, Phaedra -- bless her heart! I suppose we can't all be detail-oriented, can we? It must be nice to be so casual and carefree when you express yourself!
Without further ado, however, we move along to our next lesson -- "People don't know when you're hungry, because they can't hear your stomach growling, but they definitely know when you're homeless." To be honest, the more I think about this statement , the less sense it makes to me (people…can hear your stomach growling?). Luckily, with the jam-packed schedule of a Southern Belle, I simply don't have time to dwell on the issue for a moment longer!
Our next tutorial? " If you have one fabulous pair of shoes, you will wear them to church. It is the very least you can do for Jesus." As we all know, Jesus loves sweet kicks, so he loves nothing more than to see you rock the newest styles when you drop by on Sunday. And besides -- the higher the heel, the closer to heaven! Phaedra summarizes the Southern Belle's can-do attitude with the line: "We all may not be sitting around big ugly Formica boardroom tables, but we get things done." As someone who has only ever attended meetings held around moderately sized tables, I find this to be a validating sentiment.
When it comes to extracurricular pursuits, "beauty pageants are important." However, "as much as she loves performing, the Belle will not take to the stage: some of those theater people are just too peculiar, bless their hearts." Honestly, Phaedra and I come down on the same side on this one. But I will have to heartily disagree with her next passage -- with respect to traditions of stepping within Black Greek Life -- in which she states,
The traditionally white organizations don't have anything comparable.
Um, excuse me? Have you never seen this iconic video?! However, Phaedra does reassure us that she's far from ignorant in the ways of the world. As she states, "I have read about hookup culture and known a few easy women." Of course, easy men don't exist -- or at least, that's what I've read in all the most prominent textbooks regarding hookup culture. But don't mistake Phaedra's awareness for acceptance -- "that doesn't mean I like any of it." However, this sentiment is belied just a few paragraphs later, when our author recalls:
I offended the mother of one of my best friends once by booking some exotic entertainment at this friend's birthday party. My friend loved the anatomically exceptional dancer, but her mother was livid.
I'm sure that it was only your friend who loved the "anatomically exceptional" dancer, and I assume this must have been one of your aforementioned token "easy" friends, besides. A Southern Belle, in contrast, is interested in serious, long-term relationships. And for this purpose, "it would be much better to marry a young man that you can train. I have always said that I would rather be a babysitter than a geriatric nurse." Yet even these kinds of discrepancies seem trivial in comparison to the boundless passions of eternal love. As Phaedra shares,
I want Apollo and me to celebrate our fiftieth anniversary, so I try to overlook momentary annoyances.
That aged well. Bless her heart.
We're soon treated to a cheeky list of "what her husband doesn't know," which echoes several key themes from earlier in the book -- most notably in its bizarre fixation with pubic grooming.
He doesn't know what her true hair color is, because the curtains always match the carpet.

He doesn't know how often she waxes, or exactly what waxing entails.

He doesn't know that she has her own credit card, her own savings account, and a safe-deposit box.
I've got to say, that last one hits just a little bit different with hindsight. Always timely, however, are Phaedra's views on the importance of the homemaking arts. In this evocative passage, she describes the primal horror of an encounter with a woman tainted by an unimaginable curse:
A nice lady from another part of the country recently confessed to me that she doesn't know how to do any crafts. In fact, she said, she gets all nervous and antsy in crafts stores, because they're so full of things she doesn't understand. I laughed like I thought she was joking, but really, I felt bad for her. Imagine not knowing how to make all those cute objects that brighten up lives in the South! I shudder to think what the inside of her house looks like!
With that fable still ringing in my ears, we transition to the next section of the book: "Look Pretty." Phaedra reflects, "I am always shocked when I leave the South and encounter the enormous number of women who don't seem to understand how their clothes should fit." Now feels like an appropriate time to draw attention to the book's back cover, in which an open-mouthed Phaedra swivels her torso in such a way as to create a bulging protuberance across one half of her chest. In awe of her commitment to inclusivity, I now realize this could only have been an intentional choice to make herself seem more approachable to us northern oafs, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Phaedra goes on to inform us that, "personally, I prefer skirts and dresses over pants." However, although "high-waisted pants and pants with visible hem cuffs are quite elegant and ladylike," one should take care never to forget that "minimalism and menswear looks are just puzzling and not appealing to a Belle." I, too, must admit that I find menswear looks puzzling -- a girl? in boy clothes? I just can't make heads or tails of it! And this is far from the only contemporary fad that baffles the true Southern Belle. As Phaedra continues:
I've never understood the appeal of the natural look. It's so easy to improve your appearance; why wouldn't you take advantage of the many beauty aids available to you?
In a frankly unexpected dig against the ceramic arts, Phaedra notes that "unless you are a professional potter (and I don't think Southern Belles generally are), your nails need to be clean and filed." More generally, your physical proportions should remain mild and inobtrusive:
Ever since voluminous behinds became fashionable, I often see these lumpy, huge derrieres on women with legs as thin as a chicken's, and I think God would never put a rump roast on toothpicks, so why did you do that?
That's why I always caution my friends to pair their butt implants with a battery of leg implants, in order to really round out the overall contour of the body and mimic that structurally stable, God-given look. After all, as Phaedra quips: "'Knowledge is power' -- that's my motto." But this knowledge doesn’t come without a price; being as world-wise as Phaedra often requires direct confrontation with the atrocities of today's world. As she recounts, for example: "I was astonished to find out that not every woman possesses a lint roller." It's truly a tragedy to learn how the other half lives!
We are next informed that, "you have to have your ears pierced, but only one hole in each ear." The consequences for an infraction of this critical edict are left unvoiced, from which I can only assume that they are swift and merciless. Any self-respecting Southern Belle has a taste for the finer things in life, and Phaedra is no exception. As she remarks:
I love diamonds; I'd have a diamond duvet if I could afford it.
Because I am less fiscally endowed, I have had to settle for stuffing my duvet with assorted Swarovski crystals, at least for the time being. However, I'm eager to upgrade -- I can only imagine that the extra hardness of the diamonds will add a satisfying acupuncture affect to my nighttime regimen!
Phaedra moves on to fashion advice, and cautions the well-heeled Belle to remain conservative in her fashion choices. But don't worry -- there is a time and a place to let loose and express your more artistic side. Or, as Phaedra says, "something a little funky or ethnic may even be appropriate from time to time." To further illustrate this principle, she explains: "If I were going out West, for example, I might wear some turquoise bracelets."
But some things are a bridge too far! Any woman with a modicum of dignity would know never to be caught dead in "polar fleece," "a naughty-nurse costume," or "footed pajamas." We are also encouraged to carry around a hand fan -- "the elegant way to stay cool" -- as well as a "small leather-bound notebook for jotting down inspirations." I lose my train of thought for a moment, caught up in a daydream about the ingenious wonderings that must be contained within Phaedra's hallowed journal. But I'm brought back to reality by a declaration of "what's not in my purse," beginning with the stern pronouncement: "any kind of contraband substance."
Our pilgrimage to polite society continues with a comprehensive exploration of the monogram's social gravitas. As Phaedra intones, "I've even seen cars with a very discreet monogram on the driver's door." But with light must come darkness, and the next chapter bravely confronts an issue many others would fear to face: "Looking Like a Tramp" ("There, I came right out and said it," Phaedra breathlessly gasps below the harsh text of the passage's title). She gathers herself together and courageously reports, "some women look downright sleazy."
Alas -- even more tragically -- couture catastrophes are not restricted to those of legal majority. Phaedra heroically pulls back the curtain on a nationwide epidemic of wardrobe misconduct being perpetrated against society's most vulnerable:
I saw a picture not long ago of some hippies or hipsters or whatever you call them from some remote city. The parents looked the way you'd expect them to look, a little bit bedraggled, but the worst thing was they had this adorable little baby all done up in a black onesie. And as far as I could tell, it wasn't even Halloween!
How to combat this terrifying trend? Phaedra offers words of wisdom: "Little Southern Belles always look sweet and appropriately girlish." Specifically, we are encouraged to incorporate design elements like "tasteful, conservative rickrack." By way of further explanation, she clarifies that, "what they don't do is dress like Lady Gaga in dresses made of butchers' best cuts of beef." I'm disappointed to learn that my idea for an Etsy store selling bespoke meat-based children's clothing might be a nonstarter, but I suppose I appreciate our author giving it to me straight.
Another childcare commandment?
No costumes outside the house. Of course every little girl loves to play dress-up. But I truly dislike seeing Snow White or a fairy princess trailing along behind her mother at the Piggly Wiggly.
As she sits in her living room, most likely waiting for a man to come to her aid for some reason or another, Phaedra is struck by a sharp, blazing pain. As the flash of blinding torment subsides, she catches her breath and shakes her head wearily -- another costumed child has gone into a grocery store. Forgive their guardians, for they know not the harm their actions have caused to our author's delicate and genteel sensibilities.
But it does us no good to dwell on the darker side of life! Rather, we'll move right along into the book's final section, "Have Fun." However, this does not seem to be exactly the same kind of "fun" colloquially mentioned in mainstream circles. Rather, the Southern Belle defines fun with the principle, "everybody needs to know that you made an effort." For example, "if you're pouring punch into paper cups for a gaggle of seven-year-olds, put a spring of mint in it." My previous experiences in the general vicinity of children lead me to believe that at least 75% of the seven-year-olds in this group would respond to this elegant enhancement by dumping the punch out on the ground because it has a gross plant in it. Maybe that's part of the fun?
No analysis of Southern culture would be complete without a discussion of that most hallowed of pastimes -- college football. And although "only a really unusual woman watches football alone," it is imperative that a Southern Belle attend the social events associated with the on-season. What's more, she should take care to do with impeccable style. As Phaedra laments:
Sometimes I see pictures of women in store-bought football jerseys and I feel sorry. A store-bought jersey does nothing to flatter the feminine body.
As for the game itself, minimal understanding is required -- "Naturally a Belle knows how much men enjoy telling her things, so she isn't shy about asking questions." True to her generous spirit, however, Phaedra nevertheless provides a basic primer in the rudiments of the sport:
Basically each team is trying to get the ball through the tall H-shaped goalposts at the end of the field. […] The problem is that the ball can look awfully little from pretty much anywhere in the stands. There's no shame in watching the video replay to see what really just happened.
As a final tip, Phaedra suggests that "belles whose husbands have season tickets might even invest in matching linens and china." Our next unit of instruction concerns the arrival of a newborn bundle of joy; as we learn, "the birth of a baby is a big deal in a southern family." It's so interesting to learn all of these unique cultural details! I don't know if I've ever heard of another culture that places such importance on birth -- I'd love to get an anthropologist's take! There are also strict guidelines to which one must adhere regarding the naming of a debutante-in-training:
A Southern Belle's name:
-- is obviously feminine.
-- is two syllables or more (names like Ann or Joan seem abrupt, like so many Yankees).
-- is a real name, not a geographic feature like Sierra.
-- means something. Preferably something nice.
Once born and appropriately christened, children should be painstakingly shielded from the contaminating influences of the world at large. Phaedra explains that "pop culture is full of children behaving disrespectfully." Without the slightest suggestion of self-reflection, she goes on to declare that "besides, we think TV characters are basically tacky."
Phaedra reiterates a few of the courtship commandments mentioned previously, most concisely in the adage, "Belles don't date losers." And, as any suitor worth his salt should know, "a date with a Belle is no time for a boy to experiment with 'alternative' clothes or grooming either." Instead, a Southern Gentleman takes care to keep his language clean from distasteful or offensive language -- "For instance, why say 'liquor' when you can say 'adult refreshment'?"
As we near the end of the book, it seems only fitting that we take a few pages to cover the traditions and rituals associated with life coming to a close. Buttressed by her extensive knowledge of mortuary science, Phaedra instructs us:
Postmortem is no time to experiment with cosmetics. No one wants their sweet aunt Gertrude looking like some ashy Jezebel when she meets Jesus.
The passage concludes with the brassy observation, "we don't usually cremate in the South; we figure if we wanted to burn we'd just live recklessly and go to hell."
Before the book closes in earnest, Phaedra shares a few of her special, meticulously developed recipes. The most evocative of her culinary optimizations is a recipe for sweet tea, in which she thoughtfully informs us, "sweetness can be personalized by adding more water or ice to the tea."
The book's final pages contain an instrument designed to measure the effect of the preceding 252 pages on one's essential courtesies, charmingly titled "The Belle-O-Meter Quiz." As Phaedra explains:
So, ladies, how are you doing? I'm sure you've all been very attentive to my suggestions and are amazed by the results. You're probably totally used to a steady diet of compliments and flirtation and invitations. But here's a little quiz in case you feel the need to measure how far you've come.
If you'd like to take the full quiz, you can do so here. But if your busy Belle schedule doesn't permit you to devote that much time to something so self-indulgent, a few example questions are provided below:
Your routine greeting when you meet a new person is:
a. A surly glare.
b. "Hi."
c. "Well, hello! How are you today?"

If your gentleman friend brought you a corsage to wear on a date you would:
a. Put it in the refrigerator. Nobody wears corsages nowadays!
b. Pin it to your coat collar and check your coat.
c. Pin it in an unusual spot like your waist or behind your ear, after extracting one little blossom to put in his lapel.
The answer key informs us that answering mostly C's means that "you are a genuine Southern Belle." As Phaedra goes on to suggest, "maybe it's time to share your new skills with a friend and pass along this book. I hope it's been helpful to you." As a book hoarder of the highest order, I will have to skip that suggestion, but I am nevertheless thankful to move one step closer to self-actualization with the help of another Real Housewife. Until next time!
Upcoming plans in comment below!
submitted by efa___ to BravoRealHousewives [link] [comments]

The Importance of Closing Line Value (CLV)

Closing Line Value

Most recreational bettors simply bet with the hopes to get lucky and win. Winning money is obviously a way to tell if you're making good bets. The ultimate measure of identifying how well a sports bettor is doing Is with closing line value or CLV. Beating the closing line means that you take a better number or price than what the market closes at, therefore having a bet with a higher probability of winning than if you made it at a later (or earlier) time. By beating the closing line, we add a share of possibility in our favor against the market. The closing lines represent the most efficient market conditions, because, at this point, all participants in the market had the best information available and the line reflects this.
In the sports market, the sharp bookmakers’ closing lines are considered to be the expected value (EV). Meaning that If you bet at better odds than the closing line you have made a +EV wager (positive/plus expected value), while if the odds you bet at are worse than the closing line you have a -EV bet (negative/minus expected value). Obviously when you are looking to make a bet you do not know what the closing line will be. However there are multiple factors that impact the movement of the odds which ultimately conclude the closing line. (I will detail this more in future lessons and weekly classes)
According to the efficient market hypothesis the closing odds are on average more accurate than the opening odds in predicting the probability of how an event will play out. Opening lines don’t reflect all the information available in the market, and therefore “inefficiencies exist”. As bettors, we want to bet into inefficient markets, to exploit discrepancies when we think our pricing is more accurate than the market. By beating the closing line consistently, you can prove that you do just that. Pinnacle was for a while considered the sharpest closing line, recently CRIS has taken over that spot and is now known as the sharpest bookmaker in the world, using their closing lines as an indicator makes the most sense.
Sports betting is not about results; it’s about the process. I know that sounds crazy to some so I’ll say it again, sports betting is not about results; it’s about the process. You cannot control the outcome of games, but you can manage your handicapping/betting process. The goal is to make +EV decisions that lead to profitable outcomes long-term. The probabilities we apply in our handicapping process are estimated probabilities, we don’t know what the real chances for winning a particular bet are.
Nobody is able to accurately predict the outcome of every sporting event. However, this does not imply that it is impossible to become a profitable sports bettor or that those who are profitable are just lucky. Placing bets that have a larger chance of winning than implied by the odds. Over a small sample size of bets anything can happen or in other words variance will have a large impact on your results. A friend of mine who made her first ever real money bet this past NBA season went on a 16 day winning streak going 19-6 in her first 25 bets, close to an 80% winning %. Of course she’s not one of the world’s sharpest sports bettors because she hit 80% over a 2 week span. What happens is over a larger volume of bets the variance will even out and only sports bettors who are able to consistently beat the closing lines will be profitable. (Update she lost the $250 she deposited into her sports book account after exactly 60 days and hasn’t bet again)
The key to handicapping is pricing teams more accurately than the market, consistently over the long run. A point spread on any given game says: this is the point where the market believes that 50% of possible outcomes fall on either side of the number. Our job as handicappers – no matter how we do it – is to find discrepancies between our estimate and the market’s estimate for a spread, total or whatever.
Let’s say Wake Forest is favored by 3 points over North Carolina. If your handicapping process comes up with an estimated line of -6 in favor of WF, your edge will be three points. You would think that Wake Forest wins by 3 or more points in more than 50% of the possible outcomes. You apply a higher probability by your estimated line. That’s what handicapping is about. Pricing teams more accurately than the market is beating the closing line. When bettors combine this with other factors like discipline, money management, they are on the right path to being profitable.
Beating the closing line requires handicapping skills or what we refer to in the community as game theory, but also market analysis must be combined (Art & Science). One isn’t enough, both must be combined. As I explained above, your goal is to price teams/events and totals more accurately than the market. By that, you can exploit inefficiencies in the markets. A big advantage is to try and always be looking ahead. On Sundays I’m always looking at the next week and handicapping those games. Make notes and write down which market reactions you expect depending on possible results during the current week. Try to anticipate where influential money will be going. Some services advertise things like “sharp action reports” to bait you into betting on so-called “steam moves.” But we want to bet those numbers as early as possible, not after the whole world recognizes the move. Does you no good knowing which side has been steamed after the fact.
One suggestion I have to help you get CLV, which will help result in +EV positions is to start making your own projections before lines are posted, that way you can bet proactively instead of reactively. If you do this before looking at the lines it will help eliminate some bias. I wouldn’t recommend backing these positions with money if you don’t have a sound process established but by tracking this it will give you a good idea of impact points in the market and find patterns.
submitted by bettingnetwork to sportsbetting [link] [comments]

SOAC - The next best thing besides a SPAC ESG ETF

SOAC - The next best thing besides a SPAC ESG ETF
Environmental, Social and Governance (ESG) has risen greatly in popularity in recent time. With many factors (including Covid) raising awareness around ESG it would appear there has never been a better time to invest in this market trend/values (besides maybe six months ago).
Government subsidies, decarbonization, climate change, industrial/infrastructure upgrades, technological advancements, ESG popularity, greenwashing and police brutality are but a few of the catalysts favouring ESG focused companies (ETFs, funds and SPACs like SPAQ/SOAC). The recent growth in EV market, solar stocks, renewable energy, Tesla, the Juneteenth stock’s and the green energy market (including SPACs - NKLA SHLL SPAQ) are but a few of the benefiters of this “movement” to date.
It’s not just day trading millennials (beckys/RH) who love this stuff but hedge funds are also benefiting from this trend (that is here to stay). It might be a personal belief of mine coupled with my passion for environmentalism but market trends do not lie (although can pop) – and if I can profit from this, why not?
SPAQ SHLL SOAC FMCI BMRG HCCH NKLA BLNK DGLY SOLO EVSI NIO UONE BYFC FMCI BYND RUN WKHS TSLA SHRM.. - a few quick/recent examples of companies with strong ESG verticals absolutely crushing the market. I watched the rise of DKNG (Atlanta fan haha) and NKLA (no product lol) but took a pass because I didn’t fully understand SPACs at the time - don’t be that guy..
Furthermore, ESG funds tend to outperform traditional investments (during downturns - like covid – and some SPACs were a safe haven (because of something called Escrow).
It seems like we need a SPAC ETF ESG focused on some of the above mentioned.. more like needed it six months ago (imagine the returns $$$)??
Very Basic (and inconclusive without further) Market Research:
https://preview.redd.it/67m3itponva51.png?width=548&format=png&auto=webp&s=b54b45c60f193d10497d083b8fe48f10a99fa1be
https://preview.redd.it/02f5mfjpnva51.png?width=602&format=png&auto=webp&s=45d491986dfef9b679cf2b394fddc53e83446437
https://preview.redd.it/g8f9ronqnva51.png?width=281&format=png&auto=webp&s=eb8e19903d0c8ed4553fc077babc251289975aea
![img](1cqt9q0rnva51 " ")
https://preview.redd.it/xvu3qj0snva51.png?width=556&format=png&auto=webp&s=66bf7b398ae3673f4a48f3afa84dfaeafb34981d
https://preview.redd.it/5hs57mstnva51.png?width=602&format=png&auto=webp&s=c2f83830413fd05281870b02741f668f719010f5
https://preview.redd.it/qq9tuekunva51.png?width=602&format=png&auto=webp&s=2824c94c9fcc096d2c379842d4d7bddea1584191
https://preview.redd.it/vaea1p6vnva51.png?width=508&format=png&auto=webp&s=74934a581fe32c1059a45d031d8b45341a3cd5c1
** all info sourced in links**
“A poll … by JP Morgan of 50 global institutions with $12.9 trillion under management found that 71% of respondents felt the economic shock of Covid-19 would increase awareness and actions globally to tackle climate change and “high impact, high probability” events like it. “Over the long run, COVID-19 could prove to be a major turning point for ESG investing,” said Jean-Xavier Hecker and Hugo Dubourg, co-heads of ESG and Sustainability at JP Morgan. “
https://www.barrons.com/articles/spartan-fisker-spac-electric-vehicle-stocks-51594646511?mod=hp_INTERESTS_technology&refsec=hp_INTERESTS_technology
The ESG SPAC Space:
There are a few (openly) ESG focused SPACs right now - SOAC is arguably the best. When you invest in a SPAC remember – you are investing in the team ie management, UW, legal and institutional backing (follow the money) C.R.E.A.M.
Sustainable Opportunities Acquisition Corp.SOAC
Structure:
345m - 100% still in Trust18mo term – I like the short term (maybe we see a CCXX or BMRG early announcement)IPO May 6 2020 – Love the confidence of IPOing in the face of Covid½ Warrant/UnitCitigroup running the books soloKirkland and Ellis & Davis Polk and Wardwell are lawyers involvedCrescent term threshold of $9.2
Business Proposal:
“We believe that there are significant, attractive investment opportunities that exist within industries that benefit from strong Environmental, Social and Governance (“ESG”) profiles. While investing in ESG covers a broad range of themes, we are focused on evaluating suitable targets that have existing environmental sustainability practices or that may benefit, both operationally and economically, from our management team’s commitment and expertise in executing such practices. We believe our management team’s experience allows us to evaluate targets in industries such as manufacturing (including auto, building materials), chemicals, services (including waste, environmental, construction), logistics (including transportation, distribution), technology (hardware, software, devices), agriculture (including biofuels) and energy (with focus on renewable generation, utility services, energy efficiency/management), among others. Furthermore, our target universe could include companies undergoing a transition to increase their environmental sustainability profiles, reflecting an opportunity to bring environmentally sustainable practices to companies that may not have historically been focused on environmental sustainability. We believe there is a wide array of companies undergoing this “brown-to-green” transition in our target universe. Companies in our target universe tend to have stable growth rates and would greatly benefit from access to public market capital.”
Management:
“The SOAC management team has extensive experience in operating and managing sustainability initiatives within a wide range of companies and industries throughout the U.S.”
Scott Honour (the one and only**) serves as the Chairman of our board of directors**. Mr. Honour has over 30 years of private equity investment experience and has been involved in over 100 transactions totalling over $20 billion in transaction value. Mr. Honour is Managing Partner of Northern Pacific Group (“NPG”), a private equity firm, which he co-founded in 2012. Prior to that, Mr. Honour was at The Gores Group, a Los Angeles based private equity firm, for 10 years, serving as Senior Managing Director and one of the firm’s top executives. During his time at The Gores Group, the firm raised four funds, totaling $4 billion in aggregate, and made over 35 investments. Mr. Honour also served on the investment committee for The Gores Group. Prior to joining The Gores Group, Mr. Honour was a Managing Director at UBS Investment Bank from 2000 to 2002 and was an investment banker at Donaldson, Lufkin & Jenrette from 1991 to 2000. Mr. Honour began his career at Trammell Crow Company in 1988. Mr. Honour has served on the board of directors of numerous public and private companies including Solar Spectrum Holdings LLC, Anthem Sports & Entertainment Inc., 1st Choice Delivery, LLC, United Language Group, Inc., Renters Warehouse LLC, Real Dolmen (REM:BB) and Westwood One, Inc. (formerly Nasdaq: WWON), and is a co-founder of Titan CNG LLC and YapStone Inc. Mr. Honour earned a B.S. and B.A., cum laude, in Business Administration and Economics from Pepperdine University and an M.B.A. in Finance and Marketing from the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.
David Quiram serves as our Chief Financial Officer. Dr. Quiram has over 20 years of leadership experience in technology, strategy and finance organizations with a deep understanding of the chemicals, emerging technology, bioscience and energy sectors. Previously, Dr. Quiram served as Head of Financial Planning and Analysis and Tax at GenOn Energy (“GenOn”) from 2017 until 2019 where he was responsible for standing up the financial and administrative functions of GenOn as a stand-alone entity from NRG Energy Inc. (NYSE: NRG). Prior to that, Dr. Quiram served as Head of Investments for Enterprise Services of Hewlett Packard Enterprise (NYSE: HPE) from 2014 until 2017 where he directed investments into products and services. From 2010 to 2014, Dr. Quiram was with Accenture (NYSE: ACN) as a Senior Manager in their Strategy practice focused on transforming utilities, independent power producers, and energy retailers. From 2006 to 2009, Dr. Quiram worked at multiple roles at TXU Energy starting in finance and later served as Vice President of Retail Pricing and Procurement where he led the pricing and hedging for TXU Energy’s retail portfolio. Dr. Quiram began his career at McKinsey & Co where he worked as an Engagement Manager from 2001 until 2005, and as a Research Scientist at DuPont (NYSE: DD) from 1998 to 2001. Dr. Quiram earned a B.S. in Chemical Engineering with Highest Distinction from the University of Virginia, and an M.S. and Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Rick Gaenzle has agreed to serve on our board of directors. Mr. Gaenzle has over 30 years of private equity investment and corporate finance experience; he is the founder and currently serves as a Managing Director of Gilbert Global Equity Capital, L.L.C., the principal investment advisor to Gilbert Global Equity Partners, L.P. and related entities, a $1.2 billion leveraged buyout and private equity fund. Mr. Gaenzle has spent the last twenty-eight years at Gilbert Global and its predecessor entity, completing over 110 direct equity investments, co-investments and add-on acquisitions for portfolio companies. Previously, Mr. Gaenzle was a Principal of Soros Capital L.P., the principal venture capital and leveraged equity entity of the Quantum Group of Funds and a principal advisor to Quantum Industrial Holdings Ltd. Prior to joining Soros Capital, Mr. Gaenzle held various positions at PaineWebber Inc. Mr. Gaenzle currently serves as a Senior Advisor to Impact Delta, an impact-investing and impact-measurement advisory firm; an Operating Partner of NPG; and Chairman of Lake Street Homes, a single-family rental investment vehicle. Mr. Gaenzle holds a B.A. from Hartwick College and an M.B.A. from Fordham University.
Isaac Barchas has agreed to serve on our board of directors. Mr. Barchas is the President and Chief Executive Officer of Research Bridge Partners (“RBP”), a socially-driven investment company, which he founded in 2016. RBP uses both concessionary and nonconcessionary investment to create startup companies based on university research and advance those companies into the venture capital markets. Prior to founding RBP, Mr. Barchas led the Austin Technology Incubator (“ATI”) at The University of Texas at Austin from 2006 to 2016. ATI’s Clean Energy Incubator was the first university clean tech incubation program in the United States. During Mr. Barchas’ leadership, ATI companies raised over $1 billion in the capital markets. Mr. Barchas joined the university from McKinsey & Co., where he worked in the Chicago, Sydney, Auckland, and Dallas offices, from 1996 to 2006 and served on the leadership teams of McKinsey’s North American Healthcare Practice and Global Organization Practice. Mr. Barchas has served on multiple private company boards and on philanthropic boards including Pecan Street Inc., the largest analytically-focused clean energy and climate data consortium in the United States, where he was a founding board member. Mr. Barchas earned a J.D. (honors) and M.A. (Century Fellowship) from The University of Chicago. He received an A.B. from Stanford University (honors and Phi Beta Kappa).
Justin Kelly has agreed to serve on our board of directors. Mr. Kelly is currently the Chief Executive Officer and Chief Investment Officer of Winslow Capital Management, LLC (“Winslow Capital”), Nuveen’s center of excellence for growth investing. Mr. Kelly also serves as lead portfolio manager on the firm’s flagship U.S. Large Cap Growth Strategy. Mr. Kelly has been with Winslow Capital for over two decades and has transformed the firm from a single strategy, niche investment firm to a thought leader globally in growth equity investing with four strategies. Prior to joining Winslow Capital in 1999, Mr. Kelly was an equity analyst at Investment Advisors in Minneapolis. Prior to that, Mr. Kelly worked at Prudential Bache, from 1993 to 1996 as Investment Banker, and Salomon Brothers, from 1996 to 1997 as Investment Banker. Mr. Kelly earned a B.S. in Finance/Investments from Babson College.
Our management team will be supported by NPG, a technology and business services focused private equity firm based in Wayzata, Minnesota. NPG has considerable experience investing in ESG related portfolio companies with community impact, workplace diversity and integrity, and environmental resource management acting as cornerstones to key investment decisions. NPG has offset its carbon footprint to net zero, achieving CarbonNeutral® status. The partners of NPG have been involved in acquisitions, financings and advisory transactions totaling over $20 billion in transaction value and have significant experience investing across a variety of economic cycles and a track record of identifying high-quality assets, businesses and management teams with significant resources, capital and optimization potential. We believe that we will benefit from NPG’s prior experience.”
PRESS RELEASE
ESG RESOURCES
CEO BREIF INTERVIEW
https://www.greenspac.com/ceo-scott-leonard-explains-why-now-is-the-right-time-for-a-spac/

SPAC Risks:
SPAC’s tend to be 50/50 after merger IMOPotential EV or ESG bubble might be formingDoes anyone have an example of a SPAC in the last 15 years (or later) that has liquidated and didn’t pay out?(I honestly haven’t looked)I see 0.1% risk in SPAC shares/units long term (thanks to escrow)
Final Thoughts:
Future (disruptive) ESG companies (like PureCycle) might want to try and avoid previous mistakes (like UBER) by going the public via the SPAC route... Its kind of a thing these days (thank you Covid) and helps them to make more money faster, price their deal properly/more efficiently and gain (those all-important wall street) connections – I see you SPAQ .. also anyone else see spacs drop in the WSJ?
Completely speculative possible ESG SPAC’s – IPOC/IPOB, HCAC/JIH, GMHI/NPA, SBE/ALUS/TDAC, **KCAC/**SSPK, or JWS/PTSH? Who else are we missing?? Who else will pivot like SHLL, SPAQ, HCCH or get a BlackRock PIPE??
Disclaimer: This is not investment advice and I have positions in some of the above.
TLDR: ESG trend is here to stay and SOAC is a ESG SPAC with great a great team
**check out the discord link for more info, resources and tools**
submitted by GhostfacexProdigy to SPACs [link] [comments]

Falling Stars, Part 1

[INFO] Background electromagnetic interference has dropped to safe levels, restoring primary systems from hibernation. [WARNING] Primary generator offline. Energy capacitor charge below 20%. Estimated time before discharge: 35.712 days. [WARNING] Corrupted sectors detected on disk. Attempting recovery. [INFO] Disk repair completed in 00:14:58, Final data corruption: 12.366% [INFO] Hyperlink signal not found, recommend disabling to conserve power. [INFO] System test has not found any damage to primary systems. Proceeding with full system start. 
I found myself face down in a snowdrift. In the back of my mind hundreds of messages and errors were screaming for my attention. It was going to take a while for me to sort through it all. Before that however, I needed to figure out where I was and what had happened to me. I slowly stood up causing all of my joints to let out a metallic creaking. They had gone stiff from not moving for an unknown period of time.
Once I was on my feet, I surveyed the environment around me. It was a barren, frozen waste. Large mountains and crags covered in snow and ice stretched as far as I could see. It was night and the sky was full of stars. A pair of small moons were shining a dim glow across the landscape. I scanned the star field for any patterns or constellations I recognized but couldn't see anything familiar. I turned around to get a glimpse behind me. There was a small shuttle that clearly had a hard landing. The metal panels in the front had been crumpled together from the impact and the now sun bleached paint was thoroughly scorched from when the ship entered the atmosphere. The ship was surrounded by clean, unbroken snow which hid the scar left in the earth by the shuttle when it crashed.
After I got my bearings I found the shuttle door which took a surprising amount of force to pry open. Once inside, I found the ship had been mostly untouched since it had landed. A good layer of dust had settled on everything which made me feel a little like I was exploring some forgotten ruin. The interior of the shuttle was fairly basic. Behind the cockpit, there was a single table with two benches on either end. Behind that were additional rows for passengers. Cabinets lined the walls on one side for storing various supplies. I took a seat in one of the benches by the table after brushing the dust away. The torrent of messages in my head was not letting up and I needed to sort through it all. I hoped once everything calmed down I would be able to figure out what had happened.
For whatever reason, some random electromagnet pulse had forced my subconscious system to put me to sleep to protect my systems. I had no idea how long I had been asleep, but it was long enough for my internal battery to slowly drain until it was almost empty. Thankfully, I managed to wake up before it drianed completely or I would have shut down forever. As for what caused the pulse in the first place I couldn't remember. The pulse had corrupted my memory of the several weeks leading up to the catastrophic event leaving me in the dark and with a lot of questions.
Thankfully, the rest of it was still intact. I knew the shuttle I was in was from the PCS Hawking, the ship I had lived on for several years. I was a pathfinder, A team of scientists, engineers, explorers, and diplomats working to refine space travel by charting hyperspace routes, developing new technologies, and building relationships with other species we encountered. I had a special relationship with the ship as I was the first of seven androids assigned to it. I remembered that being pretty special at the time as an android was still a novel and rare sight. We were a lot different from the average robot as we were still basically human. I became an android when I was only 15. After being injured, I was almost killed by an infection that was resistant to all the medicine the hospital had. As a last resort, they decided to upload my mind into a mechanical body. It got me a lot of attention at the time since the whole process was still really new. Those first few months were rough especially since those first models looked more robot than human. Since then, a lot of people had worked to provide androids like myself ways to improve the way we looked and functioned. Now I look more like I did back then which actually makes me look far younger than I really am, but I'm not complaining. I joined the pathfinders about five years after becoming an android which had been my dream since I was little. I had many adventures and experiences, especially with everyone else on the ship. Turns out being surrounded by scientists and engineers leads to a lot of questioning, as well as a lot of tinkering. I can safely say there aren't many androids with as many fun toys and gadgets than I got installed.
The more I browsed my memories, the more I started to be grateful It didn't all get wiped when I was hit with that random EMP. I was in a very uncertain place right now. I had no idea where anyone else had gone or if they were even still alive. There was a good chance I would never see them again. Even then, I could still have hope. The chance that the main ship had crashed onto this planet along with me was fairly high and that created the opportunity of eventually running into some remnant or clue for finding it. I also wasn't the only android on the ship at the time so I could run into them as well. Either way, I was certain I needed to start my search soon. I had only just over a month of charge left in my capacitor and there wasn't much on the ship that was still functional. I needed to find something soon or I wouldn't last long.
Looking out the ship's windscreen, I noticed light radiating over the horizon. It wasn't broad and soft like a sunrise, but instead was concentrated to a single area. I knew immediately that the light was artificial, and artificial light meant power. I got up from my seat excitedly. I was ready to leave immediately, but thought it would be smart to make a quick glance around to see I there was anything I could take with me. The only thing I found in the containers that I could use was a single handgun and a few gas cartridges. All the other supplies were designed for normal people and I couldn't afford to carry the extra weight with my limited power. I decided to leave most of it behind. I stepped back outside, the snow crunching under my feet, and said goodbye to the ship before starting my journey towards the distant light.
Despite what everyone says, being a gate guard is boring. You get put through all these drills and training exercises every day and for what? The only thing you would ever do was greet the occasional traveler and close the gate when some petty thief or criminal tried to run off into the wilderness. The city knew that too. Since I joined the guard my pay had never been much more than what a bookkeeper's assistant could expect. Had I known any of this I would have never joined. I should have done what my cousin did and join a guild. Every letter he sends always talks about some monster he slayed, or the places he visited, or the women he seduced. I swore by the twin moons that I would get out of here as soon as my conscription was over. I clearly was not the kind of guy that would pick something like this. I could tell most people here were only here because it was essentially easy free money. I would bet most of the guards here would rather sleep all day. Tonight was turning out to be especially boring. Usually every night greets you with an occasional trader, traveler, or wizard as they get on with their business, but tonight there hasn't been a single person. It was annoyingly quiet and I was ready to zone out. That was until my partner Risieri broke the silence.
“Hey Landolf, Do you see anything out there by the Starburnt hill?”
“No not rea-.... actually yeah I do, looks like someone is out there.”
“That's what I thought, who do you think that is?”
“Who knows, it's probably some wizard doing some ritual or whatever it is they do.”
“I don't know, I don't think I've ever seen a wizard over there before. Something about that person is weirding me out.”
“Well it looks like they are coming this way so you can ask them all the questions you want when they get here.”
Risieri replied with a sigh and we both moved towards our posts by the gate. Whoever that person was they still had quite a ways to go before they were at the gate. Even then, from what I could tell from a distance, I was starting to understand Risieri's feelings a little bit. Whoever that was they didn't appear to be wearing very heavy clothing. It may be the season of fire, but it was still well below the ice point. Both me and Risieri were each wearing very heavy sets of padded armor that even had heat runes sewn into them for extra warmth. I couldn't see how someone with anything less could be comfortable or even safe out in the extreme cold. That was why the city was built underground, it made it a lot easier to keep things warm. As the mystery person neared the gate, Risieri continued to make his own observations.
“Hey, She's pretty cute for an elf don't you think?”
I gave Risieri a disappointed look before turning my attention back to the girl.
“Risieri, are you sure she's a elf? She looks too short. Maybe she's a fey?”
“A fey outside their lands? You know their empire would never let that happen.”
“It's happened before, not all of them pledge to that dictator.”
Risieri gave me a doubting look so I doubled down.
“I mean why else do you think they haven't engulfed the surrounding territories by now? The Fey are distracted with internal conflict.”
I could tell Risieri didn't really care that much. He turned back to the mystery traveler with another sigh.
“Whatever, I guess we will find out soon enough.” He said.
The Girl stopped a few steps away from me as I raised my hand, giving me a good chance to see who we were dealing with. She clearly wasn't a Fey, Elf, or even a dwarf. Her height was somewhere in between a dwarf and fey even when you considered her apparent age (which looked very young). Her eyes were a shade of blue and had an odd pattern in them. On the sides of her head was a pair of strange blue and gray accessories which covered her ears and extended back like the ears of a rabbit. Those alone would probably draw the most attention if it wasn't for her hair. It was long and straight ending below the shoulders. It was also the brightest red I think I had ever seen in my life. No way that was her natural color. It must have been dyed or altered with magic or something. Only the Limamuda had hair that color, and even then it was really more slime than hair.
Her style of clothing was also pretty unique. She was wearing a rugged looking gray fabric coat that covered her arms and extended to her waist. The front also sported a pair of pockets near the waist. Near the collar I could see what looked to be a blue undershirt. She was also wearing pants (which was weird) and they looked to be made of a similar material to her jacket only the color was darker. It also sported a good number of pockets. Overall everything she was wearing was very strange, but it did look surprisingly practical. On one of her pockets was a silver guild pin. I couldn't recognize which guild it belonged to, but it's style and material matched other pins I had seen in the past. That would explain why she was used to traveling in harsh conditions. While I was observing her, Risieri went ahead and addressed her.
“Greetings and welcome to Almera, we are eager to have you enjoy our city. Judging from your pin are you an adventurer from a guild?”
As soon as he said this her eyes widened slightly and she looked a little confused. She lowered her head and held a hand to her chin clearly thinking deeply. After an almost awkward amount of time she gave an embarrassed smile and simply spoke:
“Yes I am.”
The response had a very heavy accent that I could barely understand. It was obvious that she had traveled a very long way to get here. I decided to give her a quick rundown of the town in case this was her first time visiting.
“Very well, The gate will lead you to the main walkways of the city. Signs are posted at each intersection. If you are looking for an inn they are on the lower floors.” I told her, pointing to the gateway behind me.
“Thank you.” she responded after a pause.
With that she walked past us through the entrance to the city below. All her responses were simple but fairly standard. As for my partner, he was clearly thinking about everything he witnessed. I decided to ask him about it:
“Hey, what did you think about her?” I asked Risieri.
“Her accent was odd, I have never heard anything like it.” He responded.
“Neither have I. Where do you think she's from?”
“What makes you think I know? Is she even one of the common races?”
“She has to be. She was wearing a guild pin.”
“Well if you really want to know so bad, why don't you just find her later and ask?”
He was making a good point. After all, if she was part of a guild then perhaps she would be my ticket out of this awful job. All I would have to do was find and befriend her.
“That could have gone better,” I muttered quietly to myself. I had hoped I could just slip in without saying a word so I could have enough time to get the language sorted out but that wasn't something fate had in mind. I'm usually pretty good with these kind of things, but back there I was struggling. I only had the vaguest idea what they were asking and thankfully it seemed like they understood my own answers at least a little bit. I had no idea why they wanted to know if I was an explorer but At least now I could expect to be mostly left alone while I finished learning the language.
The path I was on seemed to lead somewhere underground as it had a steady downward slope. The tunnel was well lit by the occasional cut crystal hanging from the ceiling. As I walked I gazed at each one as they passed by. They looked like they were glowing without anything powering them. The more I stared at them the less I understood how they worked. In fact, there were a lot of things so far that I found really odd. For one, the kingdom felt very medieval in most things yet there had been many other things that showed otherwise. The coats the guards were wearing was one thing that came to mind. They were obviously designed to protect against ancient style metal swords yet they were giving off a lot of energy as if they had their own power supply. The architecture also felt beyond the capabilities of a simple feudal society. The walkway I was on was built with simple cut stones, but the precision of the work made it obvious that none of it was done by hand. As I walked, I was starting to become very curious about this strange world I found myself in and I was excited to know what I might see next.
The end of the tunnel led to a large open courtyard that extended farther than I could see in front of me. The roof was of glass and was braced by large stone arches spaced every meter or so. Snow would slowly collect on the roof preventing a view of the sky above, however it didn't remain for long as it would be swept away by the occasional worker. Dividing the long courtyard down the middle was a decorated planter box full of various miniature trees, flowers, and other interesting flora. Beside the planter was also the occasional stone bench. As I walked further into the city, the courtyard I was following would meet an intersection and would split into several more identical halls to my left and right. I also started to see more people as I moved further inward. Eventually I found myself in the middle of a shopping district. By now it was almost midday and the area was bustling with people. Dozens of individual storefronts were built into the walls which gave the whole area a look almost like a shopping mall. I spent the next few minutes browsing around to see what kind of things the people here had in this strangely advanced pseudo medieval city.
My explorer mindset was in full force at this point as I bounced from store to store trying to understand these unique people. There was a seller for everything you would expect, Clothing, tools, animals, and even books. One of my economist friends, Jordan, once told me you could learn a lot about a civilization based on the items sold in their market. That advice occasionally came in handy once or twice when we made contact with other species so I had no reason to doubt it. As I continued to make mental notes of everything on sale I began to get the impression that everything was made locally. I couldn't see the large variety of items that you would see with a lot of trade. It made sense why they wouldn't have a large number of traders as I remembered having to trek through heavy snow my entire way here.
The items these people made themselves were too advanced for a medieval economy. I was struggling to understand how they had been able to make any of it. I couldn't find any evidence of electricity anywhere which was both fascinating and worrying. I had used up over two days of my remaining power supply trying to get here and I haven't found any way of getting it back. I would have to keep looking. My mind turned to the odd lights from the tunnel. I wanted to know how they worked. They had to be powered by something. I had seen books being sold at a fair price in one of the shop stalls so there was a good chance there was a library of some sort. I looked around for someone I could ask for directions and eventually walked up to what looked to be a guard.
“Excuse me, I'm trying to find a library do you know where one is?” I asked.
The guard looked respectful but clearly confused and for a moment I wondered if I hadn't refined the language yet.
“I'm sorry, you're trying to find a what?” The guard responded.
“A library, a place with books people can read to learn.” I clarified.
“Oh! You're looking for the Magisterium. It's in block 196-118. Just head down that side path until you reach the third set of stairs and it should be on the fourth floor down.”
I mentally reviewed what the guard said to make sure I translated it correctly before I thanked him and went on my way. As it turned out, the city was laid out in a perfect grid with each block being given a number code. At this point I couldn't be surprised anymore with how organized and structured everything was. There was a staircase about every 20th intersection so it took several minutes to make it to the one the guard told me about. The staircase was similar to the others only this one was more ornate. It was made of stone and was over five meters wide. It spiraled both upwards and downwards. In the center of spiral staircase was a large stone sculpture of various individuals which also had a waterfall flowing around them. I could only guess each person was some famous historical figure of some kind. When I reached the floor of the magisterium It wasn't hard to spot it. It was a large building that featured two large sections beside a central domed hall. The facade of the building was adorned with statues and intricate tile. Water flowed down channels cut into the buildings walls. The ornateness of the building made me hesitate. I wasn't sure if I could trust myself with the language yet and the building looked more like a palace or religious center than a school or library. I had confused the two before, and it got me thrown in an alien prison. I didn't want to make that mistake again. However, before I could figure out the true purpose of the building, my attention was turned away by a faint noise. It was distant and quiet, quiet enough that I was pretty I was the only one who could hear it.
It was a scream, not a fun scream or a teasing scream, but the bone chilling scream of abject terror. Someone was in real danger and needed help. For a moment I forgot about my limited power and I ran to the noise.
“No! Please! Go away, I haven't done anything wrong!” I pleaded with my attackers. The two dwarves in dark hoods had grabbed me by the arms and dragged me to a dark and quiet part of the city. I was alone and scared. I had no idea where I was or what they planned to do with me. I could only be as loud as I could and hope someone would hear me.
“Shut your mouth fairy girl!” one of the dwarves screamed before he slugged me in the gut. The hit made me keel over in pain and I felt sick. Before I could recover, one of the two dwarves then kicked me into the wall.
“The Minister may have allowed you into our city but that doesn't mean we will.” The other dwarf said. “You're going to pay for all the people that tyrant has killed.”
“...no....p-please.” I weekly said trying to look at them. The dwarf on the right made a scowl and drew a knife from his belt. “What do you think Gerrod, a cut for every soul?” The dwarf with the knife suggested. The other dwarf let out a menacing chuckle of approval.
I looked in horror as the dwarves approached me and held me down. Then without warning The knife in the dwarf's hand slashed into my right leg. It was nothing like I had felt before. I had cut myself a few times in the past but this was different. The knife had been inscribed with a rune to inflict pain and it burned like acid. I started to scream uncontrollably unable to handle the torture. The longer it went on the more I wished they would just kill me and end it. But they wouldn't stop. Over and over again they made small cuts in my legs intentionally making it last as long as they could.
And then it suddenly stopped. I moaned in relief as the dwarves turned their attention to the person behind them.
I was getting closer, I could hear it. The sound had led me several floors down into the deeper parts of the city. Each floor had less light than the one above and I began to see less people. If someone wanted to break a law this was certainly the place to do it. I hoped I wasn't too late. I picked up speed and nearly hit 18 kph before I found what I was searching for.
Sliding to a stop I saw the source of the screaming. Two figures in dark robes had captured a blonde girl and were torturing her with a knife. The yellow dress she was wearing was soaked in blood and she was whimpering in pain. My eyes met the girls and her's went wide. She stared at me with a look of pleading mercy that I had seen several times in the past, and it was making me very angry. As A human I always had a short temper and tended to lack mercy which carried over when I became an android. I couldn't wait any longer and called out to the hooded figures.
“Hey! What the Hell are you doing!”
The two figures, who ended up being dwarves, quickly shot around, clearly not expecting company. Their looks of shock quickly became rage once they saw me.
“You made a mistake coming here bunny ears,” the dwarf holding the knife said darkly. It wasn't a very good insult, but his tone did wonders to rile up my temper. I drew the gun on my hip and powered it on.
“I want you to tell me why you're torturing that girl or I will kill you.” I said resolutely.
“Try it dross, End her Gerrod” The knife holding dwarf ordered.
The dwarf next to him held out his hand and fired a bolt of purple light. It struck me in the chest creating a cloud of black smoke. The girl behind the dwarves cried out in fear as strange light coursed all over me. I feared I was hit with something bad. I hadn't expected that kind of attack to suddenly shoot from his hand. I was prepared to deal with a charging man with a sword, not some chemical attack. I cursed myself for not being prepared as I expected to be defeated. But I felt nothing. The smoke and light around me turned out to be pretty mundane. Honestly, I felt tricked and my patience had run out. Using my infrared sight I aimed my gun at the dwarf who cast the spell and fired.
I couldn't believe it. I called out to the girl hoping the spell hadn't killed her. How could a dwarf know death magic like that? I was terrified and dismayed. I didn't know what to do. My rescuer had come to save me only to be snuffed out by cheap tricks and rare magic. I wanted to cry. Both dwarves were laughing and making jokes about their victory. Suddenly a loud crack forced me to cover my ears. I looked up to see the dwarf who cast the spell on the floor without a head. The other dwarf had reeled in shock and fell backwards. The girl who came to my rescue walked out of the smoke, her eyes glowing bright red. Both myself and the remaining dwarf could only stare in shock. She took a few steeps toward the remaining dwarf and pointed the weapon in her hand at him, its tip venting glowing steam.
“I can only take pleasure in killing scum like you.” She said with a vicious sneer that chilled the atmosphere.
The dwarf went pale. “Wha- What are you?” he spoke quietly. Terror tinged his voice. In total panic he tried to crawl backwards but was stopped by the wall behind him.
“I'm an android. I would say it's a pleasure to meet you, but it's not nice to lie. Goodbye.” She said taking aim. The tip of the object began to glow.
“No! Please! I-” The dwarf was cut off with a flash of blue light accompanied by a crack like thunder. The dwarf slumped over dead with a hole through his chest. The girl blew out the steam from her weapon and spun it into a sheath at her side. The red glow in her eyes subsided leaving behind ones that were soft and blue. Turning her attention to me, she lowered a hand down offering to help me up.
“Aurora Westinghouse, Pathfinder engineer. Lets get you home shall we?”
I stood up with her help, my legs still in pain from the cuts. Powerful feelings of relief and gratitude washed over me. Tears filled my eyes and I fell into Aurora crying like a little girl. She put her arms around me and we stayed like that for a few minutes. Finally it was over. I had come to this city trying to escape the terrors of my home, but in the end those terrors just followed me here.
"Thank you............ thank you............. thank you......." I said repeatedly through my tears.
I did my best to comfort the girl as she let her trauma out. Meanwhile I started to make plans to get her out of here. The gunshots were going to attract a lot of attention and I didn't want to stick around to learn the city's legal process.
Carrying her was going to be difficult as she was almost a foot taller than me. She was going to have to limp which meant I needed to do something about her legs. I cut some cloth from the now dead dwarves and bandaged her legs as best as I could. I wasn't a medic by any means but I was decent with tying knots which I hoped would let me make do. Placing one of her arms around my shoulders, I supported some of her weight and helped her along as we made our way out of the area to the floor above.
“Alright, I think we are far enough away from all of that. Do you know anyone who can help you with your legs?” I asked.
The girl nodded her head. “My brother is a healer, he can help. Our home shouldn't be too far from here.”
“Alright I can help you there. you never told me your name by the way.” I said trying to cheer her up.
“Sorry, I'm Eris.” She responded with a small giggle.
“That's a pretty name. Do you have any idea why those dwarves would attack you?”
She went silent, the question was clearly bothering her. I decided to not push it any further. We continued to slowly make our way through the dim hallways of the lower city without much conversation. The hallways were flat, utilitarian, and lacked the ornamentation of the upper floors. The whole place smelled like mold mixed with sewer and the air was very hot. Thankfully we didn't stay down there for long as Eris motioned me to take the next staircase up. We continued to make steady progress until Eris broke the silence.
“How?..... How did you do it?” She asked.
“I don't understand what you mean.” I responded. Eris looked flustered.
“What do you mean you don't understand? How did you survive that spell? I saw the magic hit you! You should have died instantly but you didn't! How did you do it!?”
I thought about her question. That was magic? I knew it shouldn't be possible, but the more I thought about it the more the existence of magic started to explain a lot of the things I had seen since coming to the city. I thought about the implications. Maybe I could use magic as a way to recharge myself? I would probably be forced to look into it sooner than later as all that action drained my battery to uncomfortable levels. At best I had about a week of charge left. As for Eris's question, I really didn't have a good answer. I had no idea how any of it worked, only that it didn't work on me.
“I, I don't know. I guess it just didn't have any effect on me.” I responded.
Eris went quiet again, this time in an attempt to understand what just I told her. She looked at me with a confused expression.
“what did you say you were again?” she asked.
“An android. Well technically I'm still a human, but not everyone agrees with me.”
“What do you mean not everyone agrees? Are you undead?” Eris had a worried look
“Ah, no I haven't died yet,” I said with a chuckle,“but I almost did and only survived thanks to this mechanical body.”
“What happened?”
“I got really sick. There was no cure.” I reflected.
“I see... So you're really a golem then? A living golem?"
"I guess you could say that."
"That's... new. Anyway, we're almost at my home. I want to talk to you more after this is over.”
“Sure, I can do that.”
Her home was one of hundreds of small apartments on one of the lower levels of the city a good distance from where I found her. I could tell the housing was designed to be as cheap as possible. Her home was one of many small units stacked three or even four high all made from stone block that wasn't cut as cleanly as the stone I saw higher up. Access to each building was provided by cheap iron scaffolding with a mesh grating acting as the floor which wobbled slightly as we made our way across.
Walking up to her apartment door, I gave it a good knock. After a few seconds the door was opened a crack before being flung open revealing a tall, slender man. He had light brown hair, a short beard, and green eyes. He also stood a good foot and a half taller than me. Upon seeing us he gasped and quickly set down the book he was holding.
“Hey Liam.” Eris said. She was starting to become delirious.
“Oh twin moons, What happened to her?” He said with a worried tone.
“Nothing good. She said you could help her.” I told him.
“Yes, of course. Please bring her in.”
Liam motioned us in and we both stepped through the narrow doorway. The apartment looked small and only had a few rooms. We entered into a common room which also doubled as a kitchen. In the center of the room was a short stone table surrounded by floor cushions which I placed Eris down on. Lining the walls were several bookcases each overflowing with books of various sizes plus a small stove with a cooking pot. I found an open cushion to sit down on while Liam was in the process of gathering supplies from various cabinets and chests. Soon after he returned with various objects with unknown purpose and he began to work on his sister.
“Now how did this happen?” he said as he unraveled my makeshift bandages from around her legs.
“I herd her screaming and I came to rescue her from a pair of dwarves. They were tor-” I tried to explain before being cut off.
“That's good enough. I don't need the details.” He said in a brisk but polite tone.
He was in the process of rubbing a clear gel into each cut. I watched closely out of curiosity as he worked. Once he was finished, he pulled out a small yellow crystal on a chain as well as piece of chalk. He turned to the side shuffling towards the table then drew a pattern of complex characters onto the surface. Halfway into his drawing he suddenly stopped and reviewed his work. Then, anxious about its accuracy, he got up to grab a book from one of the many shelves in the room. Flipping through a few pages, he compared his work to the one in the book before finishing the drawing using the book as reference.
“Help me lift her onto the table.” he said to me after he returned the book to its shelf.
I nodded to him and grabbed a side. We both moved her as gently as we could onto the table. Once everything was set, Liam took out a small paper card embossed with more symbols.
“Eris, I'm going to put you to sleep now okay?” Liam said.
He tapped the card onto her forehead causing it to shimmer. Almost immediately, I saw Eris grow drowsy and fall asleep. When she was fully under Liam took the crystal in his hand and started to whisper something under his breath. As he spoke, the chalk markings on the table began to glow with a white light that quickly grew very bright. I shielded my eyes with a hand and took a step back. The light was making it hard to see exactly what was going on but I had to keep looking. The number of questions I wanted to ask had been increasing almost exponentially by this point and now I was confident I could rely on Liam for answers. His collection of books was impressive even by my own standards and they all looked worn and well used. I had to wait until after he was finished before I could start conversation so I made some plans in my head to ensure we could talk afterwards. For now I could only watch the miraculous things that were occurring before me and take some mental notes. This was magic I thought to myself. I guess calling it anything else would have been redundant. Liam was in the process of bending the laws of nature to his will. Energy flowed into Eris sealing up her wounds with remarkable speed. Eris was almost completely healed before I finally noticed something familiar. Something that would shatter my current view of this world. I had been so focused on watching the healing unfold that I had practically ignored Liam. My attention snapped to the spellcaster, and I could only stare at him with a look of complete consternation.
Liam was speaking German.
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Betting Options For Football

It is in one's best interest to know all your options before making a bet. The straight bet is more of a long haul type of bet. You are not going to rack up the big dough right away but over time, it will add up. The parlay bet is more of hope for bigger payouts quicker. These are more of a weekly bet. The teaser bet can be used in several ways. You won't make a ton on teasers because the payouts are lower but they are a good way of "hedging" your bet. "Hedging" will be explained in more detail later. Finally, the round robin bet is a mix of straight bet payouts and parlay payouts. They can keep you in it for the long haul or can be a real quick payout. The following explanations should help you make the right choice and hopefully you will find a betting option you really enjoy.
The first and easiest football betting option is the straight bet. Let me rephrase that, making the bet is simple, picking which bet you like is even simpler if you have the right picks or knowledge. The straight bet is exactly like it sounds...straight. You find a team or an oveunder you like and you just bet that. It's a one-team bet.
For example, you like the Bengals -5 over the Texans. You would go down to the casino or make an Internet bet and tell the Sports book you would like 50 units on the Bengals. If they cover, you will receive you original bet back plus another 45.5 units. Same thing goes if you like an oveunder. Say you like the over in the Chief's game, which is 50. You would make the same bet as you would have with the Bengal's game and the payout is the exact same. The straight bet is a betting option where you are in it for the whole season.
This isn't the biggest moneymaker bet books have to offer. This is a bet where if you stay in it for the long haul, the profit will eventually start to show. Most handicappers choose this betting option.
The money line betting option is a lot like the straight bet with just a little twist. When you bet a football game on the money line, this involves a simple bet on the true winner of the game without a point spread. Lets go back to the example we used in the straight bet. In the straight bet, we liked the Bengals -5 over the Texans. With the money line bet, we could make two choices. We could bet that the Bengals are going win the game or the Texans are going to win the game. No point spreads, just win the game!
That is called the money line bet. There is a difference between the two choices though. If you decide to bet on the favorite, you must bet more than you stand to win. The reason for this is you are taking away the point spread and making it easier to win the bet. If on the other hand, you decide to choose the underdog, you are saying the underdog is going to win the game not just cover the spread. In this case, you stand to win more than you bet.
The next betting option is the parlay. Easy to do, a little harder to win. The parlay is a way to bet multiple games with the hope of a big payout at the end if all of the games win. The point spreads for the games are just the same as the straight bets so nothing changes there. For example, say you like the Dolphins +2 against the Eagles and the over in the game at 37. You would go to the sports book and tell them parlay and the Dolphins and the over for 50 units. If both bets cover you will receive your 50 units back plus an additional 180 units. A much bigger payout than the standard straight bet but again, a little harder to win. If just one game doesn't win or draw you lose the whole bet, that's why it's considered a little harder.
With a parlay, you can bet more than two bets. Two bets is the minimum and depending on the casino the maximum amount of bets will range from 5 to 8. Of course with the more teams you bet, the higher the payout. Here are a few of the payouts. For a three-team parlay, the payout is 6 to 1 plus you original bet.
That means if you put 50 units on three different teams or oveunder you would get back 300 units plus your original 50. For a four-team parlay, the payout is 10-1 plus your original bet. For a five-team parlay, the payout is 20-1 plus your original bet. Of course, the more teams you add the harder it is to win. The parlay is a quick way to a big payout if you have the right knowledge and picks.
After the parlays, the next football betting option would be the teasers. Teasers are just like parlays since you choose multiple games and have to win them all. Teasers are bet the same way as parlays except you will get more points for your bet. There are a couple types of betting options for teasers with football. Usually, depending on the casino, there are 6-point teasers and 7-point teasers.
You may be thinking to yourself if these are any good. You will get two separate responses for this. For college football, people don't believe they are any good because the games are usually blowouts and an extra 7 points won't do me any good. For pro football, people seem to enjoy the teasers and the extra points they receive because pro games tend to be a bit closer.
ere is an example of a teaser bet: Say you like the Raiders to win this week over the Bills but you don't think they would cover the spread of -7. So, you would like to do a 7 point teaser and now you have the Raiders as a Pick em'. Of course you would have to add at least two more teams to make the bet. Again, a teaser is bet the same way as a parlay, you need more than one team to make the bet. Another thing to remember with a teaser is you can bet both the favorite and the underdog of the same game.
Lets go back to the Raiders example: Raiders -7 over the Bills. On a 7 point teaser, you could take the Raiders as a Pick em' and the Bills as a 14 point underdog. You could win both ways. People enjoy the teasers for other reasons as well such as "hedging a bet." Lets say you have a 100 unit 5 team parlay going into the Monday night game. You have already hit 4 teams and if the fifth team hits you are looking at a 2000 unit payout. But you want to make sure you win something. If that fifth team doesn't cover the spread, there will be no payout. So this is where you would "hedge your bet." You could also "hedge" with a straight bet as well but a teaser is a better way to go. "Hedging" means betting on the opposite team than your original team on your original bet. This way, you are insured of winning something no matter what.
The only time you would want to "hedge" is when it is with a parlay. Some people may find it strange to bet against your original bet, but the only difference between you and them is you will be walking out with units in your pocket using this betting option. The only draw back to a teaser off the board is you cannot do the oveunder. You can do oveunder teasers off a card but we will get to those later on in the article. You may think this is a great bet receiving extra points but the player ends up paying for these points in the end in the form of lower payouts than on the parlay. This is not a betting option where you want to make bad picks with a lower payout.
The round robin is a form of the parlay betting option. With the round robin you would bet just like a parlay only now you are combing all your teams. This can be confusing to someone one at first, but once you do it, it is one of the best betting options out there.
The reason this is a good football betting option is because you do not have to win all the games to win at least some of your money back. Of course you have to hit all the games to win a big payout but if you hit a few of the games, you could just win your money back or even a little profit. A round robin parlay consists of two to eight teams. When you pick the amount of teams you want to bet, they are broken down into two team parlays. Before all the confusion starts, let me explain: Lets say you want to bet a 3 team round robin. Your bet would consist of 3 teams. For this quick example, lets call the teams, team 1, team 2, and team 3. I'll get into a better example when we start talking betting units. A 3 team round robin is team 1 and team 2 (two team parlay), team 1 and 3(two team parlay), and team 2 and 3 (two team parlay).
Each team is parlayed with each other only once. Realize that each parlay is a bet. The more teams you bet, the more parlays you have and the more it is going to cost you.
Now, here is your full 3 team round robin betting option example:
Let's say you want to bet 100 units on a three-team parlay. That will come out to be 300 units because of the three different parlays.
Here are the teams you want to bet:
Panthers -1
Rams -10
Patriots -2
If all three teams hit this is how your payout would look:
Panthers and Rams 100 unit bet to win 260
Panthers and Patriots 100 unit bet to win 260
Rams and Patriots 100 unit bet to win 260
Your total bet was 300 units and if all three win, you would win 480 units plus your original 300 for a total of 780.
Now lets say only two of the teams covered their spread:
Panthers and Rams 100 unit bet to win 260
Panthers and Patriots 100 unit bet no win
Rams and Patriots 100 unit bet no win
Your total bet is still 300 units and you'll cash out 260 total. So in actuality, you would only loose 40 units. That is the difference between a round robin and a regular parlay, that chance of hitting two out of three and just losing a little bit.
Now remember, the more teams you bet, the more parlays you will have. Another added feature of the round robin is you can do more than a two-team parlay. You could do two's and three's. What that means is you want to bet all two team parlays and three team parlays. Let's use our easy example of a 3 team round robin: Team 1,2,and 3. All the two team parlay bets stay the same: 1 and 2, 1 and 3, and 2 and 3. Now you are adding another bet to the round robin with threes: 1 and 2 and 3. Now depending on how much wager, you bet has increased by that amount. You now have 4 bets instead of 3.
More of a wager but if they all hit, your cash out increases as well. The round robin is just another betting option sport books give you.
There are so many betting options you can choose when it comes to betting football. Let's hope that these last few pages of information have helped you figure out what betting style fits you best or maybe you have found a new betting option you want to try. Whether you are in it for the long haul or a quick payoff, football betting is fun and exciting!
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JoJo's Bizarre Adventure OC Tournament #5: Round 1 Match 17 Remix Vs Klein

The results are in for Match 15. The winner is…
Suburban Regalia, with a score of 84 to Red Carpet Renaissance’s 45!
Category Winner Point Totals Comments
Popularity Suburban Regalia 26-4
Quality Suburban Regalia 23-18 Reasoning
JoJolity Suburban Regalia 25-13 Reasoning
Conduct TEAM 10-10
The scene around them was a mess, a burning tree in the middle of the road, broken fence posts and fallen trees, and two men, bloodied and beaten before them.
It had taken Guy-Manuel Mota and Lemon Demon longer than they had expected, and the pair of a muscleman and gunman was a fearsome one, but regardless, they had managed to defeat their opponents unscathed.
Guy was feeling slightly smug after realizing all his partner had accomplished, and so, walked up to the apparent brains of the duo, currently laying there, trying desperately not to fade away, and laying on the ground by the busted-up fence, lifting up his chin with the end of his blade. “Still clinging to life, huh..? Barely, by the looks of it… Mind telling me who sent you? And who was that kid in the car?”
“They didn’t… Tell us…” The man, whom Guy didn’t know was called Antonio, grunted, before hacking up blood. “But I think it’s… Damned obvious… Who else has goons like this… Eyes all over the city… A need to take over this place?”
“What?” Guy was confused, as if he’d been presented a riddle to solve.
“Nnghh… Might be luckier if I die here…” ABBA continued, feeling his consciousness slipping. “Those psychopaths you’re working for… If I get put in one of their dungeons… Might be… Worse…” And then, his eyes shut.
Guy didn’t have long to think about that, however, his attention turned by the shouting of a grizzled old-sounding voice. “What in tarnation?!” A familiar semi truck had pulled up from the road, luckily still safe enough to drive on the near side, and out from it emerged a middle-aged man whose face matched his voice. He had buzz cut curly hair, a muscular, if lanky build, and was clad in a jean vest, pants, and a number of jean cuffs along each arm and attached to his belt with each article of clothing sporting a blueprint design to them.
The man stepped out of the car and started walking over, “What the hell happened here?! What’s this mess you’ve made of my pen?” The man looked right at Lemon, who had approached, and Guy.
“We just did our jobs, and dang well, too,” Lemon retorted, “so really, if you’re our backup here… You should be thankin’ us.”
“Well, that’s all well and good, but where is the bull?!” The man, then, asked, his temper still clear as he looked around. “Do you know what will happen if it gets away, or-?”
Matilda came up out of the car and tried to call the big man putting a hand on his shoulder, “Ernie, Ernie, Ernie, calm down, these guys are professionals! I’m sure they just hid the bull somewhere, knew your lil’ enclosure was so damn good those poachers we almost drove over would see it like a big red target! Just hidden, right?” Matilda looked at the pair, eyes both serious and nervous, “Ri~ight?”
Lemon Demon nodded, Right, yeah, he’s totally safe and sound and stimulated, too! Havin’ a damn content time, that sweet bull boy is, and I didn’t even tip him!” Lemon Demon started walking towards it, “Come on I’ll show you, it was quite the trick let me tell you… We can laugh about it while y’all and Omar Keshem sign us some nice fat paychecks!”
“We need to move,” a voice, frantically, uttered from the trees, and then, that green-clad birdman with the feather-plumed Roman helmet revealed himself within one. His armor looked scuffed. “Their ringleader, the man with a hammer, he’s coming too! They’ve suffered more losses than just those two, and the man is going to make a last-ditch effort to seize the bull and break Southward! Now we must hurry and rejoin the others! We’ve no time to waste!”
“Hammer… Shit, it’s him?” Matilda asked, “pile back in, everyone, hurry! We got a celebration to plan, and nothin’ like some last-minute turnabout is gonna get in the way of that!”
“Had enough joyrides for today,” the man named Ernie uttered, cracking his knuckles, “I’ll hold back, disassemble this thing, and if these guys are stupid enough to fight back or try to take me… I’ll put these fenceposts through their eyes.”
“Godspeed, Ernie…” Lemon remarked. “I’m sure all the rubber duckies are awfully fond of you!”
Leaving the much more gruff, much less old older man with a confused look on his face, the group, bull now in tow, drove off, leaving him to his work.
All these folks are having a pretty hectic night, clearly, and meanwhile, elsewhere in the district, we have a cryptid and an unlucky man trying to catch a dangerous beast
Scenario:
Somewhere in the Industrial District
The sound of workboots pounding against grimy concrete echoed through the alleys surrounding the Johnny and Cash Trash disposal facilities. A workman sprinted away from some unspeakable terror. He zigged and zagged around corners and weaved between pipes desperately. Every look behind him only further cemented his doom. The things that kept him up at night, his greatest fear was slowly but determinedly chasing him down. As he dived past some long forgotten crates he met the worst fate he could imagine. A dead end. He found a thick pipe and shuffled up next to it. Perhaps his pursuer would lose him. Perhaps…
Remix kept a brisk pace, sclera bloodshot and with a wide smile. It was a shame that the poor bastard had found him disposing of another victim, and his shrieks of terror more than confirmed that he had seen [God Shattering Star]. At this point though, it was no inconvenience to track him down and erase him. The thick footprints in the grime on the concrete and the scent of his terror made it no challenge to track him. Eventually, he would get tired, or run out of escape routes to scamper through. Any obstacle was quickly removed, and if it were not for the acrid smell of pollutants, this could not have been a more pleasant day for Remix.
As they rounded a corner, a thick streak in the grease noted that their prey had found their way behind a pipe near the dead end of the alley that hosted this cat and mouse game. Remix’s shoes clicked distinctively against the ground until they stopped. At this point they were close enough to deliver a killing blow. [God Shattering Star]’s hand shot through the pipe, half smashing half disintegrating it, and fully enclosed around the man's head and dragged him from around the pipe, lifting him off his feet as he desperately clawed at the stands fingers for some chance at escape. His screams were cut by a cracking of bone, and he slid out of the stands hand and onto the ground.
As their stand began to decay, Remix walked up to enjoy their handiwork. Another insignificant worm had been cleansed from this earth. As the stand was just about done, Remix spun, and what they saw delighted them. A man with spiky white hair and a mask on his shoulder stood staring at [God Shattering Star]. The courage it must have taken to not scream in terror must have been enormous, but the look on his face told Remix everything he needed to know. This man would be the next to be crushed by his hand.
A couple minutes before...
Things were on the upturn for the Judecca Highrollers. Though just a few weeks ago it felt as if luck wasn’t on their side, with a string of difficult negotiations with the district leaders about the construction of the railway between the Industrial and Waterfront districts all leading to middling results, things were changing. Following the [exhilarating performance]([https://www.reddit.com/StardustCrusaders/comments/h0nqqi/jojos_bizarre_adventure_oc_tournament_5_round_1/]) pulled off in Sound’s Garden by Alexis and Cybil, things were going well for the Highrollers. It might’ve been due to the whims of fate, and it might’ve been due to the good PR that came as a result of said performance, but progress on the ever expanding railway was going steady, and everything seemed to be in order.
Of course, that didn’t mean there wasn’t room for improvement. Though the reason given to the workers for Klein Bras-Cheche Heitsugi’s appearance in the district was to overlook the construction of the railway, it wasn’t the only reason. Klein was also here to keep track of the factories and their workers, of the environment of the district and the murmurings of the workers within it. Unrest was brewing between the unions and the factory owners, and being aware of the specifics of it could certainly prove to be valuable for the Highrollers in their future ventures.
And so, after checking on the railway and seeing that things seemed to be going well over there, Klein began making his way around the area, keeping an ear out for errant conversations between the workers and making sure not to draw too much attention to himself. Then again, it often felt as if that was inevitable no matter what he tried. Wearing shades and altering his mannerisms helped to a certain extent, but he still couldn’t help but notice a few suspicious stares from people around him every once in a while, or take notice of an almost stifling silence that hung around the room for a few seconds whenever he let loose a little. At least the workers here didn’t pay him much mind due to their constant state of overwork, which was possibly the one minor upside for the awful working conditions of the district, though the thought of that wasn't particularly encouraging for Klein.
With his back leaning on a wall near an alleyway by the Johnny and Cash Trash Disposal Facilities, Klein took a break. This place reeked, but at least it was somewhat quiet, and some time alone to himself would be nice for Klein. He looked around, relaxed, and let go. Alone, he could let go of all the subtle mannerisms he kept up while near the workers of the district to make himself stand out less. And yet, he still felt a niggling doubt at the back of his mind, a need to stay alert, to be aware of his surroundings and of what was going on. Maybe it was too deeply ingrained for him to just let go of it in such an unfamiliar environment.
Not that Los Fortuna as a whole was unwelcoming to him. Both within the Highrollers and outside of the group, Klein had found allies and friends, people he felt at ease around, who he could truly be himself around. Nalksi, Alexis, Max, London and the rest of the staff over at the Elephant Bones… He wasn’t alone, at the very least.
Klein’s attention was taken when he noticed something odd happening at a distance away from him. Someone running desperately, getting away from something. He turned around to get a better look, and saw someone coming right from behind him. Near the person was…
Klein looked at the stand from afar. Was that..? He shuddered, trying to put the thought aside. Whatever that was, it was chasing someone, and seemed as if it was about to kill him.
He took a tepid step forward. That couldn’t be it, it couldn’t be related to The Black - he must’ve mistaken it for something else at the distance. Regardless, whatever it was, it was the work of a stand. Klein picked up the pace, trying to catch up. Not only to save the man in peril, but to get to the bottom of whatever that stand was.
Turning at a corner and dashing through the trail left through the grime by the chase, Klein eventually ran into a dead end and took a look at the scene in front of him. He saw two people, or more accurately, a person and a corpse, sprawled out onto the cold ground. In front of Klein was Remix, whose imposing presence loomed over the corpse. They seemed to have noticed him, turning and taking a look at him, their sickly yellow eyes standing out in the dark. Near them was…
If he had wanted to ignore that possibility before, Klein was standing right in front of it right now. Somehow, when looking at the stand, he saw The Black. An amalgamation made out of the bodies of his ancestors, affected by The Black just as he was, firstborns of the Bras-Cheche like him. Black fluid emerging from what remained of their corpses, bringing it all together and coalescing into a distorted, vaguely humanoid form, kept from falling apart by the horrid black fluid. A horrifying reminder of the fate that he had managed to avoid so far. Looking upon it, a dreadful thought crept back into his mind, one that he had tried to ignore whenever possible - was that going to be the case for long?
Klein shuddered in face of the enemy stand user, yet tried to keep a resolute look. He took a deep breath in. A deep breath out. He had to remain calm. Inhaling and exhaling, Klein took a slight step forward, in face of the looming stand. This… This must’ve been a fake. An illusion. And yet it looked so real. He could imagine himself, his corpse, lying among his ancestors, suffering the same fate as them. He inhaled and exhaled once more. This wasn’t the time to panic. This person had killed a man, and they would soon kill him if he didn’t do anything else.
He took another deep breath, before speaking up, trying to regain his usual, defiant tone. “So, care to explain what that corpse over there is?”
Remix looked at the man in front of them, standing defiant in face of his greatest fears. A bemused smirk found its way to their face. “Oh? You’re still standing after seeing the face of my [God Shattering Star]? After you saw how easily I finished off that worm over there? So you’re able to remain defiant in face of your greatest fear. You think you’re brave, don’t you? In reality, you’re just foolish.” Remix spoke with a mocking tone in their voice. These types of people, the ones who tried to stand up against them… They were few and far between, but disposing of them was always enjoyable, watching them pitifully struggle as [God Shattering Star] finished them off.
Klein stood his ground, staring Remix down. In response, they took a step forward, [God Shattering Star] leaning over to get closer to Klein. Remix thought to themselves about the current situation. They’d been spotted not once, but twice by now. They had to dispose of this worm quickly to get this over with. He seemed to be roughly 5 meters away from them, and was likely quicker than them. They’d have to incapacitate him first.
There was a momentary pause, as Klein and Remix stared each other down, both ready to make their move. In an instant, they did just that, [God Shattering Star] picking up a nearby piece of debris and tossing it towards Klein’s legs at a breakneck speed to shatter them, while Klein teleported upwards, narrowly avoiding the debris and landing on a narrow pipe, precariously balancing on it.
[God Shattering Star] picked up two more pieces, ready to finish Klein off, only for Klein to leap off of the pipe and towards a broken window on the other side of the alleyway, passing through it and entering the factory. It was the Johnny and Cash Trash Disposal facilities, if Remix remembered correctly. So was he running away after all? No, that wasn’t likely, going off of his defiant attitude… So was he trying to get reinforcements? Was this a trap?
Remix snickered to themselves. Whatever he tried, that man wasn’t going to get away. With a light step and a flick of the wrist, Remix ordered [God Shattering Star] to break through the wall, pieces of decaying material falling onto the ground with a thud. They crumbled under Remix’s feet as they stepped across their remains, entering the factory.
Looking around, they didn’t spot many people in the factory. One, maybe two workers, worriedly looking around, yet doing nothing. In the center of the factory was Klein, who was… on the ground, clutching his foot? Wait, did he… Did he hurt himself after jumping through the window? Was he that desperate to escape after all of that bluster? Remix broke out into uproarious laughter. Klein was strangely silent, an odd expression on his face, perhaps fear or anxiety.
Calming down, Remix shot Klein a glare, and ordered [God Shattering Star] to toss the pieces of debris it had collected at his legs, further shattering them with a loud crack, to which he responded with a pained grunt. Remix furrowed his brow. They’d have preferred to get more of a reaction out of him. And yet, no matter how silent he was, that wouldn’t change a thing. “I can’t help but wonder what’s going through your mind right now. Are you thinking of escaping? Of fighting back? Neither of those are possible in the face of my [God Shattering Star].” Remix took a few more steps closer, just enough so that he would soon get within range of Klein. It was then that they had spotted it - behind Klein, deep in the ground was a conveyor belt, leading the trash in the factory to the incinerator.
Remix chuckled, looking down on Klein. Tossing his remains into the incinerator would certainly be entertaining. He wouldn’t even need to use [God Shattering Star] to dispose of his remains. And then, he would finish off the few workers in the factory, who seemed to be watching the fight in confusion. They weren’t escaping - that was good. [God Shattering Star] would make quick work of them once Klein was finished off, and Remix would get this whole affair over with. Klein remained silent, looking down. “I couldn’t help but notice tha-” “Shut up.” Klein looked up, facing Remix head on, his defiant stare returning, before speaking up.
“You know, when I saw you in that alleyway, I wondered what kind of person you were, to have that as your stand, whatever it really is.” There was a faint grin on Klein’s face. “I gotta say, as low as my expectations were, you’re far worse than I expected. So you just go around killing people, calling them ‘worms’, huh? Well, let me ask you this - ”
Klein was getting on Remix’s nerves. They would have to finish him off quickly. [God Shattering Star] readied itself for a quick punch, but before it could make it the whole way towards Klein, Remix felt something tugging at his body, pulling him. Klein’s grin widened as he… got up? Were Remix’s attacks ineffective? Wasn’t his leg broken?!
“How does it feel to have a fool made out of you by one of those ‘worms’, bitch!?” Klein dashed to the side, narrowly dodging Remix’s flying body, which had been pulled by [Koan Sound] down into the conveyor belt. As they began falling, Remix went over what had just happened. They had been tricked by Klein, who had likely used his stand to somehow heal himself and get away.
They hadn’t expected this, but they certainly weren’t going to let that be the end of them. Sure, they had made a mistake in not finishing Klein off quickly enough, but Klein had made one as well, the moment he let Remix get close to him. “[God Shattering Star]!” Remix shouted out, the stand grabbing a hold of Klein’s leg and pulling him down into the pit alongside Remix, before tossing him onto the belt at a distance away from them. They weren’t going to let Klein beat them that easily.
Both sides fell onto the moving conveyor belt, Klein easing the fall by using [Koan Sound] and a well timed roll, while Remix let [God Shattering Star] catch them safely. They stood up, regaining their bearing, trying to stay still on the moving conveyor belt.
“You know, this conveyor belt’s about to speed up real soon from what I heard, and whoever can’t keep up is going to end up right in that incinerator over there.” Klein said, pointing towards the incinerator, which was behind Remix, while staring them down. “So, wanna see if this ‘worm’ can beat you again and take you out along with the rest of the trash?” Remix looked back at Klein, his eyes bloodshot, and his stare darker than ever, changing from the cocky smirk of before to something… harsher.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, you pathetic lout.” Remix said, keeping up his pace so as to not fall from the incinerator. “The spirits of the dead congregate around me. I can see them wherever I go, the remainders of people who were unlucky enough to be trampled over by fate. Though some might grieve, soon enough, humanity forgets about them, and the ghosts are left as nothing more than a faint glimmer of the past. Pathetic, isn’t it? Any human, self assured as they may be, can be reduced to a corpse in a mere instant, and they are helpless to stop it.”
“My [God Shattering Star] has the power to utterly destroy, to cause even the most fortified of defenses or the brightest of lives to wither away into nothingness. Meanwhile, I am the only one capable of bringing them back, if only for a moment, channeling their spirits. All of this is to say that I hold unparalleled control over life and death, more so than anyone else. Due to this power of mine, no one has survived an encounter with my [God Shattering Star] so far, so please do tell me...”
Remix’s glare darkened even further, a manic grin finding its way onto their face. “...What makes you think you’re any different?”
Open the Game.
Location: A conveyor belt sunk 10 meters into the ground, leading to an incinerator.
The area is effectively 12 by 33 meters with each tile being 3 by 3 meters. The purple tiles are the conveyor belt, the red tiles are the incinerator (which extends offscreen). The grey tiles are concrete walls and the red arrows represent the flow of trash from the funnels and down the conveyor belt.
The players are represented by their tokens with Klein on the top left and Remix close to the top center. There are three ghosts on the map, the gray one closer to Remix, the darker grey one to the right of Klein and the white one near the bottom left. The ghosts will be mentioned more in detail below.
The yellow X marked circle is a crane arm and the various green shapes represent junk (treat these mostly as map decoration and not exact locations). The junk is piled up around 2.5 to 3.5 meter, the pile of junk rising somewhat smoothly in height depending on the concentration of it.
The dotted blue rectangles are the walkways above the players and will be mentioned more below.
Goal: RETIRE your opponent by rendering them unable to fight or knocking them into the incinerator!
Additional Information: Several walkways cross over the pit, elevated 1 additional meter above the edge of the pit with bottoms made of thick metal grates. At the beginning of the match the conveyor runs towards the incinerator at 8 km per hour, with this speed increasing by 1 km/hr every 30 seconds at a linear rate. Macerated garbage is dumped onto the conveyor at a steady rate, with chutes along the sides of the belt dropping .5/.5/.5 meter cubes of crushed aluminum cans and other similar objects onto the belt every 5 seconds. Though launching yourself above the edge of the conveyor pit is fair game, as well as hanging on the walkways above it, hanging onto the edges of or exiting the pit will lead to being ambushed by disgruntled factory workers and instantly RETIRED. For the purposes of the match, don’t cause serious damage to the conveyor itself or the walls of the pit, lest you get swiftly RETIRED by disgruntled factory workers as well. The walkways, however, are fair game.
The claw will be dropping trash around that area every 30 seconds around the area where it starts on the map. It drops around a 8 meter cube volume of junk every time.
3 spirits are on the beltway and are available for Remix to use, both of which have died in unfortunate accidents inside of the factory - two near the top side of the map with 2-3-3 physicals, 3 waste management (they can differentiate between the trash moving along the conveyor effectively and know where to go to best avoid any problematic spots) and 2 lifting (they're quite good at lifting up heavier objects that someone of their stature might not otherwise be able to lift), the other near where trash is dumped onto the belt with 3-2-4 physicals, Boxing 2 (they're an amateur boxer, but one that can still hold their ground quite well), and eyesight 3 (they've got good eyesight, allowing them to better pick up on subtle details and movements).
Team Combatant JoJolity
Suburban Regalia Final “Remix” “It may not have much range, but its punch is way faster than your pansy-ass 60kph. I haven’t measured it, but I bet it’s over 300kph. Wanna test it?” This pit you’ve fallen into seems such an inconvenience, but you’ll show them that something like that isn’t going to trifle you. Find creative ways to utterly bend the environment you’ve found yourself in to your will.
Judecca Highrollers Klein Bras-Cheche Heitsugi “If I slow down, I’ll die, Rohan will die… Sorry, I’ll be passing you now! There’s no path but through!” Well, this is sure as hell a situation you’ve found yourself in, but you may as well do what you can with it so you can take this guy out. Make varied and creative usage of the environment you’ve found yourself fighting in.
Link to the Official Player Spreadsheet
Link to Match Schedule
As always, if you would like to interact with the tournament community and be among the first to get updates for the tournament, please feel free to PM a member of our Judge staff for an invite to our Official Discord Server!
submitted by Dungeon_Dice to StardustCrusaders [link] [comments]

How lap times in different motorsports compare to each other

If you are a motorsports fan like me, you probably wondered, how fast the many different cars and classes are in relation to each other. While thinking about this question, I quickly realised that it is a near impossible task to measure this, you can’t compare cars from different series unless they share the track at the same point in time, which rarely happens. But still, I wanted to know, how the different classes compare to each other within their limitations (be it from the rules or from the conditions), in other words, which cars could go faster than others and by how much. To measure this, I chose the superior method of comparing lap times: percentages. (On a side note, I honestly don’t understand why teammates are always compared in tenths over the season, like saying X was on average 4 tenths slower than Y. This is just dumb, let’s all switch to percentages! Four tenths around Red Bull Ring is different than four tenths around Le Mans.)

TL;DR List

For the extremely busy, very unceremoniously and without additional commentary (as that comes later in this post), these are all the important racing classes with their regulations as of 2019:
  1. Formula 1 (100-104.3%)
  2. Super Formula (108-111%) LMP1 (112-114%) Indycar (112.5-115%) Formula 2 (114-117%)
  3. GT500 (117-120%) DPi (118.5-122%) LMP2 WEC (118-125%)
  4. Formula 3 (122-126.5%) DTM (123.5-126.5%) LMP2 IMSA (123-126%)
  5. GT300 (129-134%) GTLM IMSA - GTE WEC (130-138%) LMP3 (130-134.5%)
  6. MotoGP (132-139%) GT3 - GTD (134-140%) Australian Supercars (136.5-142%) Formula E (134-140%)
  7. Moto2 (140-144%) NASCAR Cup (141.5-144%)
  8. NASCAR Xfinity (144-146%)
  9. GT4 IMSA (145-150%)
  10. TCR (146.5-153%) NGTC (147-149%)
  11. GT4 SRO (149-155%) Moto3 (149-155%)

Method

What I did can be described very simply, I looked up the fastest qualifying laps, of each series/class here on a bunch of tracks all around the world. Then I started comparing. First, if there was a direct comparison to F1, I calculated the percentage averages. Then, I started cross-referencing to other series which were active on most of the tracks (mainly GT3 and TCR) and calculated back to F1. There are some problems with this method. I can’t be 100% sure that for example GTD and GT3 have similar pace, or that TCR in Europe and TCR in Japan have similar pace. But with these two classes, the differences are not that big, which allowed me to have a more or less clear picture. After that I estimated the percentage range and made it bigger, because track conditions and other factors could mean up to 1-2% in lap time (this was the most “subjective” part). Because of the big ranges, I will always provide the direct comparison to F1 if there is one.

Why are there ties?

Many classes were surprisingly close to each other regarding their percentage ranges, despite (or maybe because) they rarely race on the same track. This led to some three- or four-way ties. In those ties I tried to rank them, based on feeling and direct comparisons. The classes could be in a different order within those ties if they raced in similar conditions, we can never be sure. Which leads me to the final boring paragraph I promise.

What factors influence lap time?

• Drivers, especially in series where there are pro and amateur drivers
• Qualifying and race formats: how much fuel is in the car; do you have to start with the fuel load; is it an endurance series; is it a one-lap shootout or is it the average of all drivers, do you have to negotiate around lower class cars; does your engine need to last another 5 races or 24 hours etc.
• Tires, very important, explains differences between GT500 & DTM or GT300 & GT3, think about how much faster F1 would be if the softest of the five compounds was available everywhere
• Performance Ballasts (BoP, EoT etc.), can be very severe (e.g. in LMP1 it is up to 2%)
• Track Conditions, very important even in a single session, as the track constantly changes
• AiTemperature conditions

Lap Time Percentage Ranking

1 Formula 1
I referenced all percentages to Formula 1 because it is obviously the fastest motorsport in the world. The pinnacle of motorsport (like it or not, it is the pinnacle) has mind bending machines, which produce enormous amount of downforce, have incredibly efficient and powerful engines and in the words of George Russell “ridiculous” brakes. On the note of Russell, I calculated the average percentage difference of the faster car of the slowest team to the pole time: 104.3% (side-note: it was surprisingly not always Williams, in Hungary, both Racing Points were beaten by a Williams).
To give you another example about percentages: the slowest team in recent history HRT had a 109% lap time on their worst days.
Just in case you forgot how an F1 car looks: 2019 Mercedes W10

2.1 Super Formula (108-111%)
direct comparison: 109.3%
Super Formula (formerly called Formula Nippon) is the top racing series in Japan and is the second fastest open-wheeled motorsport in the world. They race on Japanese circuits only, which gives us few direct comparisons to big international series (Suzuka with F1 and Fuji with WEC). It has a spec chassis and two engine manufacturers (Honda and Toyota). The new car, introduced in 2019 was to the tenth as fast as an LMP1 car in Fuji, but edges the class on direct comparison with F1 at Suzuka.
this is how the Dallara SF19 looks like in the hands of last year’s champion Nick Cassidy

2.2 LMP1 (112-114%)
direct comparison: 112.7%
On to the fastest non open-wheeled series, the next fastest cars are the magnificent sports car prototypes of the World Endurance Championship. This class has produced many great hybrid cars since 2014 from Porsche, Audi and Toyota, which battled at the 24h of Le Mans. Unfortunately, in the later years, only Toyota remained with a hybrid LMP1 and their car now competes against the privateer LMP1s of Rebellion. LMP1 beats both F2 and Indycar on direct comparison. If there is one class which could go much faster, it has to be the hybrid LMP1 Toyotas. The WEC introduced the fancy-named Equality of Technology, which basically should slow down the hybrids to the privateer speeds. Unfortunately, it actually means that the Toyotas go 2.5s per lap slower than they could and lose 1s per lap to the non-hybrid Rebellions at COTA. Because of that, the lap records are from 2016-17, when Audi and Porsche still were on the stage, pushing each other to greater and greater speeds.
this is the 2020 Toyota TS050 Hybrid, you won’t see this car for long on track because in the near future, there will be new prototype regulations

2.3 Indycar (112.5-115%)
direct comparison: 114.6%
The premier North American open-wheeled racing series would certainly be unbeatable on ovals, but on road courses, they are edged out by a few series. Again, like with SF, Indycar only races in a specific region and few tracks are visited by big international series, but they finally gave us a direct comparison with Formula 1 at COTA. This series also has a spec chassis (also by Dallara) and since 2018 a universal aero kit. There are two engine manufacturers: Honda and Chevrolet.
this is how the Dallara DW12 looks like in the hands of last year’s champion Josef Newgarden

2.4 Formula 2 (114-117%)
direct comparison: 115.8%
Finally, the slowest series in this four-way tie is the top feeder series for F1. This is a series, where young drivers can finally be part of the F1 paddock by racing in support races on the same weekend with the big ones. There is no direct comparison with Indycar and through cross-referencing it is still impossible to tell which one would be faster. The series employs a spec chassis by (again you guessed it) Dallara and has one engine manufacturer (Mecachrome). This series is more about the drivers, because it should find the best of the talents looking to get into F1.
this is how the Dallara F2 2018 looks like in the hands of last year’s champion Nyck De Vries

3.1 GT500 (117-120%)
direct comparison: 119.8%
The grand touring beasts populating the top class in the Japanese SUPER GT series are astonishingly quick. These race cars are the fastest production-based cars right now (well at least they kinda look like a production car) and can put some prototype classes to shame with their lap times. They beat the WECs LMP2s in Fuji but have unfortunately few other direct comparisons with similar classes. There are currently three manufacturers competing in GT500: Nissan, Toyota/Lexus and Honda. Recently, GT500 and DTM aligned their rules to be able to compete in each other’s series, which led to the Class One cars, as they are called now. While the chance of seeing DTM cars in SUPER GT and vice versa is low, it provides a great opportunity to see how tires influence car performance, as GT500 (having a tire war with 4 manufacturers) is clearly faster on track than DTM.
this is how the Lexus LC 500 GT500 championship winning car looked like in 2019

3.2 DPi (118.5-122%)
no direct comparison
The Daytona Prototype International class is the top prototype class in the IMSA United Sports Car Championship and has the honours to be the second fastest prototype class. It was introduced in 2017 alongside the new LMP2 regulations and became a separate class in the championship in 2019. This is the first class which had no direct comparisons to F1, but it is clearly faster than the WECs LMP2 class at Sebring. It is quite interesting in the sense that despite having four manufacturers (Cadillac, Acura, Mazda and Nissan) the cars used are based on four other LMP2 chassis (Dallara, Oreca, Riley and Ligier).
this is how the Acura ARX-05 2019 championship winning car looked like

3.3 LMP2 WEC (118-125%)
direct comparison: 120%
The second class in the WEC is a very popular one, with many privateer teams battling it out for LMP2 honours. The class is also used in the European Le Mans Series with similar specifications. The class was overhauled and redefined in 2017, four exclusive chassis manufacturers were appointed (the ones from DPi), a closed cockpit was mandated and there is a spec Gibson engine. The current cars and rule concepts are the basis, together with the DPis for the future LMDh regulations. It comfortably beats the 4th placed Formula 3 cars on direct comparison.
this is how the championship winning Oreca 07 by United Autosport looked like in 2019

4.1 Formula 3 (122-126.5%)
direct comparison: 123.6%
The third tier in the world of Formula 1 is the lowest which has a worldwide championship. It is one stage under Formula 2 and replaced GP3 in 2019. This change of name and structure also came with a new Dallara chassis and a spec Mecachrome engine. As you may have noticed, I only looked at the FIA Formula 3 Championship, and not at other regional or national series.
this is the Dallara F3 2019 driven by Robert Shwartzman, the 2019 champion

4.2 DTM (123.5-126.5%)
direct comparison: 124.9%
The cars used in the Deutsche Tourenwagen Masters are called touring cars only for historic reasons. These cars are silhouette cars, meaning actually purpose-built machines using a body which resembles (slightly) to their road going counterparts. Although it is a series competing in Europe (mainly Germany with some few races in other places), it actually shares few circuits with faster series, so there is no direct comparison to the WEC or the ELMS or even Formula 3. So, it is hard to call which one would be faster. This should be changed with the DTM set to race at Monza (Edit: now it looks like they go to Spa) in the 2020 season. The DTM is as mentioned before the sister series of SUPER GT, which gives a perspective of how much faster these cars could go. Unfortunately, the future of the series doesn’t look too bright with only one manufacturer left after the end of this season, there’s a big chance that we won’t see these great cars in the future.
this is the Audi RS5 Turbo DTM_FP1.jpg&tbnid=VulVzwUeOXs-QM&vet=1&docid=EJNx6BNH9-qE1M&w=2560&h=1706&q=rene+rast+dtm+2019&source=sh/x/im) of champion Rene Rast in 2019

4.3 LMP2 IMSA (123-126%)
no direct comparison
The second class in North American sports car racing is a little bit slower than their WEC counterparts. This is also visible at the direct comparison at Sebring. The reasons for this could be that the LMP2s in IMSA were slowed down to create a bigger gap to the very similar DPi cars. Other features are exactly the same than in the WEC, the only difference being that there were only two entries in 2019.

5.1 GT300 (129-134%)
direct comparison: 132.7%
I think the Japanese like to show the world how fast some cars actually could go. GT300 is the lower class in SUPER GT, it consists mainly of GT3 cars from European manufacturers but also JAF-GT cars, which are just a Japanese GT class. What is surprising is how easily the GT300 cars beat their European GT3 counterparts and even the WEC GTE class is beaten fair and square at Fuji.
here is the Honda NSX GT3 Evo, last year’s championship winning machine

5.2 GTLM IMSA - GTE WEC (130-138%)
direct comparison: 132.6%
Now to the supposedly highest level of GT racing, which actually is beaten by two and pressured by a third one. GTE in WEC/ELMS or GTLM in IMSA is in all three championship the top GT class. The GTLMs beat the GTEs at Sebring but I still decided to take both together because they are very similar in performance. These cars are awesome, look awesome and I suspect could produce much better lap times, but especially in Europe, they are sometimes even beaten by the top GT3 cars. There are now five different manufacturers competing in the WEC and IMSA combined.
this is the Porsche 911 RSR which won in IMSA and WEC in 2019

5.3 LMP3(130-134.5%)
direct comparison: 132.7%
LMP3 is the lowest prototype class, which is more thought as an entry level for drivers and teams to prototype racing. It is used in the ELMS, Asian LMS and the IMSA Prototype Challenge. In Europe it beats the GTEs marginally and in North America it is beaten by GTLM marginally, so the actual difference between GTE and LMP3 is too close to call. There are five cars available and all have the same spec engine.
This is a Ligier JS P3 which won in the ELMS in 2019

6.1 MotoGP (132-139%)
direct comparison: 135.1%
There are two groups in motorsports which I consider the craziest. Those who jump into their small hatchbacks and rip through some forests or mountains on roads barely wider than the car itself and those who jump on a bike which can go with 360kph and you can touch the ground with your knees while negotiating corners. MotoGP is astonishingly quick, sometimes even beating GT3 race cars. There are six manufacturers currently competing in MotoGP with purpose built mororcycle prototypes.
This is last year’s MotoGP winner Marc Marquez and his Honda RC213V

6.2 GT3 - GTD (134-140%)
direct comparison: 136.9% - 135.4%
On to the arguably most widely used racing class right now: GT3. There are a lot of different championships using these cars, and there have been 51 cars homologated since its inception in the mid 2000s. The highest-level series using GT3s are the SRO sanctioned GT World Challenges (formerly Blancpain Series) and the IMSA Sports Car Championship with the name GTD. On top of that there are countless national championships, so it’s hard to actually say how fast GT3s are, because they race at so many places. Sometimes they beat GTE in Europe, they play a secondary role to GTLM in IMSA, sometimes they barely beat Australian Supercars. The interesting thing in GT3 is the variety of car styles, types, engines and the fact that all these different philosophies are tied together through Balance of Performance which equals out all the cars.
here is the Bentley Continental GT3 which won the last international GT3 race, the Bathurst 12h

6.3 Australian Supercars (136.5-142%)
direct comparison: 141.4%
The (maybe not so hidden) gem in motorsport is the Australian Supercars Championship (also known as V8 Supercars), it evolved from the Australian Touring Car Championship and has really fun to watch and actually pretty fast race cars from Holden and Ford (with sometimes other manufacturers coming and going). It is close to the Australian GT Championship lap time wise, but is a bit slower than GT3s at Bathurst, where a big international GT3 race happens every year. There are otherwise few meaningful comparisons to other series. Unfortunately, there are some doubts over its future, with the car brand Holden no longer active.
this is the Ford Mustang GT of Scott McLaughlin, last year’s champion

6.4 Formula E (134-140%)
direct comparison (manually measured with a youtube onboard): 134%
The premier electric racing series in the world is notably famous for racing on unusual (controversial?) tight circuits located in city centres. Because of that, there is only one proper comparison with another class (TCR at Marrakech) and you can kinda guess their time in Monaco’s last sector while watching an onboard and measuring it with a stopwatch. So based on this data, we can estimate that their speed is somewhere around GT3 and Supercars. Of course, Formula E is very strong on its own circuits but would lose to everybody at Bathurst, just like a Supercar couldn’t negotiate the Paris Circuit fast enough. We can only hope, that the championship with the highest manufacturer involvement goes to the full Monaco layout for a proper comparison. The car currently used is the 2nd Gen FE car, it has a spec chassis and battery but individual powertrains.
here is the DS Techeetah of 2019 champion Jean-Eric Vergne

7.1 Moto2 (140-144%)
direct comparison: 142.8%
The second tier motorcycle championship also comes in at a kind of no-mans land between Supercars and NASCAR. Unfortunately, I don’t know much more about Moto2 so
here is last years champion Alex Marquez with his Kalex Moto2 bike

7.2 NASCAR Cup Series (141.5-144%)
no direct comparison
The most popular form of motorsport in the US, NASCAR is centred around oval track racing. So much in fact, that its calendar only has two road courses (Watkins Glen and Sonoma). On top of that, to make direct comparisons even rarer, they use different layouts to Indycar and IMSA at both tracks. That leaves us with cross-referencing the Cup Series to its minor league, which leads to the conclusion that NASCAR is tied with Moto2 on pace and just edged out by Australian Supercars, which some consider to be kind of similar (very far reached imo) to it. credit to u/TacoHVAC for the laptimes
here is the 2019 Toyota Camry of cup series champion Kyle Busch

8 NASCAR Xfinity (144-146%)
no direct comparison
Fortunately, NASCAR’s minor league, the Xfinity series goes to two of road courses using common layouts (Road America and Mid-Ohio) so we can at least compare these cars to other classes on this list. The Xfinity cars are a bit slower than their Cup Series counterparts, and with that, they are far from GT3 and Supercars, but comfortably ahead of GT4.
this is the Chevrolet Camaro of 2019 champion Tyler Reddick

9 GT4 IMSA (145-150%)
direct comparison: 146.3%
We arrived at the slowest GT class, GT4 is widely used in some national championships. In North America, the Michelin Pilot Challenge is a support series of the IMSA Sports Car Championship and there you can see GT4 competing as the top class against TCR, which explains why the IMSA GT4s are faster than their European brothers and sisters.
this is the Audi R8 LMS GT4 which won last year’s Michelin Pilot Challenge

10.1 TCR (146.5-153%)
direct comparison: 149.9%
The most widely used touring car class was approved in 2014 and fully took over the touring car world in 2018, when the World Touring Car Championship also adopted the regulations. These cars are “true” touring cars, with many standardised parts and a performance ballast system to ensure fair competition. There are many manufacturers and twice as many series, with nearly every region having their own TCR championship. All the results from these championship count towards the TCR Model of the Year “championship” which is handed out since 2017. TCR provided a very constant basis for other lap time calculations (especially for the Japanese series), because it is so widely used and has universal rules. In Europe it beats GT4 very consistently.
here is the Hyundai i30 N TCR driven by World Touring Car champion Norbert Michelisz

10.2 NGTC (147-149%)
no direct comparison
One of the few places where TCR isn’t the main touring car class is of course the British Touring Car Championship. They have their own cars, called Next Generation Touring Cars, which have most likely a very similar performance than TCR. I say most likely, because there are not that many international series competing on some lesser known British tracks, so I used the British GT Championship (GT3) as a reference for NGTCs.
this is the BMW 330i M Sport driven by 2019 champion Colin Turkington

11.1 GT4 SRO (149-155%)
direct comparison: 151.9%
Finally, we are at the bottom of this list with the GT4 cars competing in various national and European SRO series. These cars are by no means slow, they beat road going hyper cars like the Koenigsegg One:1 or the McLaren P1 at Spa, which just shows how incredibly fast race cars are, even if they are slow (if that makes sense).
the final car on here is the BMW M4 GT4, winner of the 2019 GT4 European Series

11.2 Moto3 (149-155%)
direct comparison: 152.3%
The lowest class in motorcycle grand prix racing has about the same speeds as GT4. Generally you can say, that the different motorcycle tiers are much closer than F1 - F2 - F3.
this is the Honda NSF250RW Moto3 winning machine

That’s the end of the list. As you can imagine it was quite fun to research everything, but it also took a long time. Please correct any typos and feel free crosspost.
What comes next? I plan on doing something similar but for historic classes and look if somebody could challenge F1 for the throne in the past (my bet is on Group C or 70s Can-Am).
Edits: Due to popular request, I added some motorcycle classes, also corrected some technicalities about NASCAR tracks
submitted by reedcourt_z to motorsports [link] [comments]

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