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Skyblock: Potato War 3 (FINALE) Entire Script

"There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare." -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
DISCLAIMER
The following events were done by deranged individuals with complete disregard for their own physical and mental well-being.
Please do not attempt this at home.
My name is Technoblade and I'm the fastest skyblock player alive.
To the outside world I'm an ordinary Minecraft youtuber, but secretly I've spent the last year fighting to maintain my spot as the number 1 potato farmer in Skyblock.
Opposing me is Squid Kid, the former rank number 1. A man whose obsession with potatoes is rivalled only by my own.
In my last video I talked about how the newly added rabbit pet could at its highest level could increase the amount of potatoes my minions made by 30% but I knew Squid would watch my video to find out my tactics so I left out a few of the finer details.
See the boost from rabbit pets isn't the same as flycatchers or catalysts, you have to be there.. on the island for the boost to take effect. Once you log off or go to somewhere else on skyblock that boost is gone until you come back.
But while I was experimenting with the rabbit pet I uncovered a few interesting facts about how the boost works for instance:
Rabbit pets can boost other people's minions if you're visiting their island as a guest, but minions can only get boosted by one rabbit at a time so you cant just get 20 accounts with rabbit pets for infinite potatoes. The third thing I found was the most interesting and this is what Squid Kid didn't know. If there's multiple rabbit pets on the same island which one boosts the minions? You'd think it'd be the strongest one but it's not!
If there's multiple rabbits the minions will be boosted by the one belonging to whoever's been on the island the longest. So hypothetically speaking if someone went to their island with their level 100 rabbit when someone was already there with the level 1 one, they wouldn't get their rabbit's 30% boost, they'd get the level 1's 0.3% boost.
Unrelated fun fact, did you know that squid kid's island is still open to visitors? Yeah that's right we're doing this again...
So I bought a new Minecraft account, slapped a level 1 legendary rabbit pet onto it and shipped it off to Squid Kid's AFK pool! I knew I had to maintain absolute secrecy- I didn't even tell my goons about this because I knew once Squid got wind of this it would be trivially easy for him to prevent it.
I waited until the day I released the second Potato War video to start, after that video tourists flocked to Squid Kid's island to see it for themselves, my alt blended right in.
Everday my alt would sit there in Squid Kid's afk pool to maintain rabbit priority in fact it usually had the rabbit pet deactivated during the day since you don't need to have the pet out to keep priority and since the rabbit was deactivated if squid checked his minions during the day he'd find nothing wrong with them.
But every night around 2am Squid would leave his account AFK and go to bed and that's when I'd strike overriding his rabbit pet boost for the rest of the night and yes I memorized Squid's sleeping schedule, I mean at this point how is that even a question of course I did but unfortunately complications soon arose.
Squid and I had both been rushing to get our rabbit pets to level 100 and I had a pretty heavy lead and I figured it'd take Squid several more weeks to get his there, but unfortunately and unknwon third party got there first and sold his level 100 legendary rabbit directly to Squid.
Of course he didn't forget to brag about this victory on stream.
Squid: "Oh my oh my, you know who doesn't have a level 100 pet, yikes he has a level 99 rabbit pet, he's poor, it's only level 99 I'm screaming ahhhhhhhhh."
Little did he know that while he was flexing on stream, my alt was right there on his island overriding his level 100 bonus.
But my problems didn't stop there you see, Squid got an alt account to AFK with his rabbit pet on his island while he was doing other things and since the alt account had no reason to ever leave his island it became much harder to keep control of pet priority and sometimes when I had priority he'd end up kicking everyone from his island because it was too full for his alt account meaning I had lost priority for the rest of the day.
I was going to counter this by spending $30 to buy his alt MVP++ since that rank can bypass guesting limits #ad but unfortunately on March 20th my alt was kicked and Squid's island was closed forever.
The jig was up but by that point I'd already achieved my objective. The two weeks it took to realize what was going on cost him about 2 million potatoes.
Bit of a tangent but I'm pretty sure I lost a few fans over the rabbit pet because everyone would just be hanging out, they'd just be chilling on my island with their level 30 rabbits activated and I'd come see that and I don't care if it's intentional or not but they're sabotaging my potatoes! So I'd kick them out of my island to get priority back and they they'd come back 10 seconds later like:
"Why did you kick me Technoblade? I just wanted to meet my favourite youtuber :("
And I'd be like woah woah relax dude relax it's not a big deal, I have a really good reason I just can't tell you because it is a secret and then you're like:
"It's okay Technoblade I know the reason.. It's because you hate ME SPECIFICALLY I'll just go leave forever now."
And I'm just like WAIT come back noooo so Squid closed his island which meant I couldn't sabotage him anymore, but what if I told you that was also part of my master plan?
You ever noticed how my island has been open to visitors during the potato war? In the last video I explained:
"I made an AFK machine on my island so planted potatoes would keep growing even why I wasn't online."
I was actually using an advanced technique there called LYING, this clip of the AFK pool was from November, I didn't even make the manual farm until January!
You might recall from the first Potato War video depending on whether there's people on the island or not. Because if no one is on the island, Hypixel's not gonna waste resources keeping that server online so they are going to close the server and then when you come back they're gonna go oh well it's been 7 hours and it's gonna run a calculation and give you 7 hours worth of stuff.
But as we've seen before that calculation isn't perfect, so I ran an experiment and I found that when someone's on my island I get 10% more potatoes! And there was only one thing boosting my minions by 10%.. the Farm Crystal.
The farm crystal is an external buff so it's not included in the offline calculation so if there's at least one person on my island and Squid's island is empty I'd get 10% more potatoes! Now it was easy to get people to AFK on my island, what was difficult was getting people off of Squid's island.
You see even months after the first potato war video came out when the initial hype was starting to die down a bit there would be at least one of my own viewers AFK on Squid's island every night. You know.. as a joke! Sometimes I would be on Squid's island on an alt account and I'd see someone in the chat:
"I'm gonna go AFK to help Technoblade win the potato war!"
And I'd beg them, I'd be like "no dude please, please he fixed that months ago, that doesn't hurt him anymore and they'd be like:
"I'M HELPING"
and AFK all, Squid Kid was getting boosted by my own viewers and there was nothing I could do to stop them because what was I going to do, announce that AFKing helped him? Then even MORE people would AFK! I realised that the only way to stop this from happening would be to get Squid to close his own island to visitors without him realising that that's what I wanted all along.
It took four long months but it finally happened, but anyways back to this tweet, so Squid says he closed his island because someone filled his potion system with rookie axes.
A common trolling method in SkyBlock is to fill people's inventories with useless items like boats, but the rookie axe is even worse for players like Squid Kid who use the skyblock add-ons mod which has a feature which makes it very difficult to drop tools out of your inventory.
The point is to stop people from accidentally dropping weapons worth millions of gold, but it also applies to the rookie axe sold in shops for 12 coins, so basically someone dumping a ton of rookie axes into your hopper system is the worst thing someone can do to you in skyblock.
Now I've always been interested in psychology, in fact I almost majored in it so after 6 months of stalking Squid, I had developed a bit of a psychological profile of this man.
I know how he TALKS, I know how he THINKS and when I saw this tweet I instantly knew that thiis man was LYING. Now don't get me wrong I completely believe that somebody dropped rookie axes into his hoppers because it was me but that's not the real reason he closed his island after all I'd been dropping rookie axes into his hoppers for weeks, but he sent that tweet eight minutes after he kicked my alt.
So I get to thinking, why would Squid lie about that? And I realize Squid knows I monitor his tweets, but what he doesn't know is that that was my alt account from his perspective that could have been some random guy with a rabbit and if that was the case I'd have no idea rabbits could be used that way.
As such him lying in that tweet could only mean one thing, he's about to sabotage ME! So i held a stakeout on my island and guess what I found a few hours later, a brand new skyblock account AFKing with a level 1 legendary rabbit. Truthfully I could have stopped squid before he even joined my island but I wanted to catch him in the act because I'm always getting comments saying:
"OMG Technoblade why are you so mean to Squid?"
They don't understand, this is WAR there's no holding back! I know that and Squid knows that, the only difference is that I'm 20 steps ahead, he's playing skyblock while I'm playing Deathnote.
He thinks he can outsmart me with my own strategies because he is yet to realise that he is but a puppet and I the puppeteer DANCE POTATO BOY! DANCE!
So anyways I got on my secret alt account and sent his secret alt account a party invitation and then I DMed him on discord Yo dude accept my invite!
Squid: "Well this is awkward.."
He actually did accept my invite and we had a lovely conversation and then I BANNED him from my island get OUT of here you trued again with another account a few days later, I don't have any proof that this account is him but look at that username "Stinky Bozo" That's a pretty unusual word in fact I've only heard one person say it:
Squid: "Bozo, Bozo, you are Bozo Bozo, nice one Bozo, you're a freaking Bozo Bozo"
Yeah that's right get out of here, I did eventually close my island, but not before I made sure I wouldn't lose potatoes.
After that I moved on to the next phase of my master plan if I wanted to farm more potatoes I'd have to start farming pumpkins, but wait a minute Technoblade, that's the wrong vegetable! Wait.. what do you mean it's a fruit?
Whatever at this point we pretty much maxed out the output of our minions the only thing left to work on was the speed we could farm potatoes by hand! The farming skill gives more crops as you level up so I decided to grind it to the highest level.
I did the math and found that farming potatoes is so incredibly inefficient at levelling up farming that it was actually more worthwhile to build a whole pumpkin farm.
I began the construction of a pumpkin farm large enough that by the time I finished farming it in full, the pumpkins at the beginning would have already regrown. I don't even want to tell you how long it took to build this.
And so I began farming day after day at times I'd farmed for so long without break that the people watching thought that I was botting, word of my pumpkin farming soon reached Squid who began farming pumpkins himself, but he only saw the surface level of what I was doing.
You see I wasn't just levelling up my farming skills I was also levelling up multiple legendary rabbits. There's a reason I wanted to stop people from AFKing on Squid's island even after he started AFKing himself and it's because it's almost IMPOSSIBLE for one man to AFK every hour of the day because servers restart, the game can update, your internet can go out and if you're asleep or doing something else you'll be missing out on those bonuses until you get back.
Even the most dedicated individual might only average 20 hours of AFK coverage per day and those 4 hours alone without the rabbit pet and farming crystal cost you 100 thousand potatoes and over time, that adds up.
To fix this flaw, I got multiple level 100 rabbits some leveled myself and others purchased for tens of millions of coins and then distributed to goons in diverse timezones. I set my island so only guild members could visit and I had my head goon code a discord bot that automatically pinged them within five seconds of the rabbit account leaving my island at which point one of them could log into the island themselves and boost my minions until I got back.
After a few weeks we both reached farming level 50. On May 4th there was a pet update which added among other things the elephant pet which at its highest level could increase crop yield by 25%. Ordinarily a buff to manual farming would be bad for me since it allows squid to catch up that much more quickly, but I had a plan.
The reason farming potatoes by hand is so inefficient is because when you break potatoes they don't grow back so 2/3 of the time you spend farming is spent replanting the potatoes you just harvested. Squid Kid and his viewers spent many hours trying to find a workaround to this even building an elaborate redstone machine in an attempt to somewhat automate replanting, but in the end they failed to find a better method and continued farming normally:
Squid: "I should be able to plant five (potatoes) at the same time, why is it so dang slow it takes forever"
What if I told you I found a way, you see back in January I had an idea, what if I had the minions plant for me. At the time this was impractical for two reasons,
One, I didnt have enough farming bonuses for it to be worth sacrificing the minions normal output, but this was solved when i got farming level 50 secondly potato minions were simply too slow, but since then they've buffed fly catchers, added the rabbit pet and added foul flesh, a new fuel source which buffs minion speeds by 90% even then the potato minions weren't quite fast enough to keep up, but I thought to myself if they're only going to be planting they don't need to waste an upgrade slot on a super compactor, so I spent another 250 million coins to get 48 total flycatchers.
Squid and I both started farming potatoes but his method could get at most 200 thousand potatoes per hour whereas my method with double flycatchers even after subtracting the amount the minions would have made themselves could get 410 thousand potatoes per hour. For the next three weeks Squid farmed hours every day but I was farming at the same time.
Squid: "What are the odds he's farming right now, five bits I bet techno is doing the same thing just has like a 130% faster way to do it"
In this time I expanded my lead by another 5 million potatoes, but at this point Squid and I had been farming potatoes for almost a year and we were still farming hours every day with no end in sight neither of us wanted this to continue so we came to an agreement.
Whoever got to 500 million potatoes first would win the potato war. Hypixel even pitched in saying he'd give a surprise to the winner. Now I was only at 300 million potatoes at this point, but I figured I had this in the bag I mean I've been tracking Squid's potato count, I accounted for his afk coverage by having the discord bot track his alt accounts logins and I knew how much he was farming by hand because I was monitoring his farming experience.
With a 45 million potato lead and a farming method twice as fast as his own, what could possibly go wrong?
JUNE 6
Things go very wrong, it was just a small update with a few quality of life changes, you know like an enchantment which replants crops after you farm them and an item which automatically compacts items in your inventory so you don't have to spend time on that. You know, two minor changes which just so happened to buff Squid's farming method from 200 thousand potatoes to 1.2 million potatoes (per hour) and my farming method becomes WORTHLESS.
Suddenly my 45 million potato lead goes from insurmountable to yes Squid could farm that in a couple days, Squid starts putting in crazy hours:
Squid: "If I do 12 hours a day can he keep up absolutely not, people say Technoblade never dies but I'm putting him in the grave."
Meanwhile I'm sitting here in shambles, I was out here with my lab coat on doing the science coming up with new never before seen potato farming techniques and this man just goes admins please replanting is too hard and they buff his farming method six-fold!
Was that it? Eight months of plotting and scheming just to fail in the final stretch? NO i couldn't except that, I was going to win this war whatever the cost. I immediately drank three months of mystical mushroom soup and got to work expanding my old potato farm. A project which would take 25 hours over the next couple days.
I knew I was playing the game as intended when I realised that the only reason I ever put on one of the strongest armour sets in the game was to use its 3% speed bonus to optimize tilling dirt. For the next two weeks I did nothing except eat, sleep and farm potatoes, there were only three interuptions each of which cost me millions of potatoes. The first was a dentist appointment and the second was when I had to play in Minecraft Championships.
Squid: "What do I message him? Was it worth your time losing MCC? ehehehheheehhe" "It took me 2 hours to lose MCC but it'll cost you 9 months to lose the potato war, kayyyyyy RELAX, RELAX, hello?"
Besides that there was only one other time:
"I had to go to the store the other day, I had to interrupt my potato farming because my dad was like hey can you go to the store and pick up my medicine and I was like, can I really tell him that I'm not getting his medicine because I need to farm potatoes? Can I really? Look I'm an atheist, but when God sends me to hell I want him to hesitate, okay? I want him to hesitate for a few seconds.
But Squid was also farming several hours a day and he had evem found a way to maxmize his afk coverage. He started sleeping with his headphones on and had his goons wake him up via discord call whenever his alt left his island.
As someone with a discord bot tracking his online activity I can tell you right now that that man is telling the truth. He was waking up multiple times per night, I don't know why he didn't just use backups like me, he actually revealed to me later on that one of my original goons betrayed me and gave him one of our internal documents and the list of backup pet users is literally RIGHT there at the top of the first page I have no idea how he missed it.
But anywas squid logged off an hour and a half ago, he should be entering REM sleep just about now it would be a real shame if someone woke him. I didn't actually wake him up because I wasn't sure if intentional sleep deprivation was legally considered torture or not so I decided to shelf that strategy for the time being.
And after sacrificing two weeks of my life I finally reached 500 million potatoes.
"WE WIN THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE"
Squid was shocked:
Squid: "He's at 499? No he's not, dude there is actually like, it's not possible! NOOOOO it's not, this can't be reaaal!"
Squid had been certain that he was right on my tail.
Squid: "I don't know how fr behind I am, 100% less than 30 million"
And yet when I won the war I had a lead of over 88 million potatoes. How did i do it? It's just as Sun Tzu says:
"All war is deception." -Sun Tzu
You see I knew after the second potato war video things were gonna get more difficult from here on out, because at this point Squid had a full on organization backing him he had goons, a cabal of billionaires funding his every move, 100s of stream viewers on how to farm potatoes more quickly and reporting on my every move so in that video I prepared my final trick. I hid my true potato count.
The number shown in my video wasn't edited, but it didnt include the millions of potatoes left uncollected in my minions. I also said that my minions now produce 1.58 million potatoes, but they're actually producing 1.75 million because the rabbit pet doesn't actually boost your minions by 30%, it boosts them by 43% why? I don't know it's probably bugged and Squid couldn't realise the real number when he got a level 100 rabbit of his own because he was being sabotaged!
But the biggest reason my lead expanded by that much was because over those two weeks, while Squid averaged 8 hours of farming per day, I averaged 11!
Squid: "I just can't believe how much he's farming."
MenacingBanana: "The admins were legit saying that Techno is just like so focused, it baffled them at how like just insane he was he had no breaks!"
Squid: "I swear to god this Technoblade dude is focused on another level"
Towards the very end Squid had one of his goons write a program to chart how much I was farming by tracking how much experience my elephant pet had, but by then it was too late. Once I won the war there was nothing left to do except celebrate my victory with grace and humility.
Squid: "OHHH MY GOOOOSH he's doing a little emote on me ooohh my not like this come onnnn, was was this necessary?"
"Watch me dance Squid Kid you looose! You lose the WAR!"
After the war the admins added a temporary NPC to the skyblock hub, the potato king it gave out a new talisman which boosted potato minions by 5%, a basket for the top 1000 potato farmers and to me, the POTATO CROWN engraved upon it:
"All men can see the tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved." -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
That NPC is gone now, I took too long to edit this video! I gained a lot from the Potato War; patience, discipline, carpal tunnel. I guess my main regret is that I bribed Squid's discord admin to give my alt permission to see into his secret text channels and then HE NEVER USED THEM ALL YEAR!
With the war over Squid took down his potato minions and my fields have gone unfarmed while we were enemies I still respect Squid Kid, I understand now that it is only with a worthy rival that once can reach their fullest potential, while he may have lost the war, he's gone from 70 subscribers to having tens of thousands of fans so it can't be said that he's lost completely. For my part I've realized now that rank number isn't an achievement, it's a prison which forces you to dedicate your life to defending a temporary title, but now with the war finally over... I'm free
*Wandering Nomad plays whilst Techno begs for subs*
Well I guess we are done here :) If you got down this far I wouldn't mind an upvote, I spent too long doing this.
submitted by ethwoo to Technoblade [link] [comments]

NEW! List of banned subreddits part 2

Updated list of all known banned subreddits sorted by reason and alphabetically part 2 (unmoderated and ban evasion). Current as of July 3, 2020 5:32 PM EDT
This is a second thread containing subs banned for ban evasion or for being unmoderated, as Reddit limits you to 40000 characters per post.
 
Unmoderated:
 
Ban or quarantine evasion:
 
* Ban time and reason changed during the purge of subs containing the word 'nigga' or 'nigger'
submitted by Holesome_chungus to reclassified [link] [comments]

A Lengthy, Comprehensive Analysis of “The Last of Us: Part II”’s Controversy, Responding to Prominent Criticisms, and Discussing Criticisms of My Own

About a month ago, I wrote a post to provide some clarity regarding the leak Naughty Dog sprung about a month ago. In it, I addressed some of the criticisms that were being levied at the time without unveiling any of the spoiled material, that way my curious spoiler-virgins would go unsullied until release day. There, I explained why all the major criticisms at the time weren't (and still aren't) warranted. Toward the end of the post, I noted that the outrage was not only political, but also emotional. I correctly predicted that there would be some spoiler-virgins that would not be pleased with the game's controversial narrative direction. I wish I'd been taking bets because not only was I right, I was right to an extent I never imagined. The response to this game has been chaotic, to say the least. This post will explore this phenomenon, directly respond to the most prominent criticisms and those who make them, and address my own criticisms of the game (as well as how I believe those flaws can be fixed).

Part 1: The Chaotic Controversy

I need to lay my cards on the table: I thought this was a fantastic game. Having purposefully indulged in the leaks back in April, I knew about every major death/plot twist before it happened, and I approached the story with an open mind. While I thought TLOU was a great game, TLOU2 blew me away with its darker, more complicated themes, the tiny details that collectively enrich the game's themes of gray morality, superb character interactions, the gosh diddly darn adorable relationship between Ellie and Dina, the endearing big sister-little siblings dynamic between Abby and Yara/Lev, and the excellently crafted set pieces that made each part of the game unique. I also loved the new gameplay mechanics that made stealth satisfying, such as crafting silencers for the pistol or taking cover in tall grass/ferns. It irks me to no end that such an obviously great game has received so much undeserved abuse. Can it be criticized? Of course it can. There's always room for criticism, but I think this is downright pathetic.
It should be noted that this avalanche of negative reception is not coming from a single body of grievances. It is, in fact, coming from up to at least three different factions. Sometimes there is crossover between factions, but a member of one faction should not be immediately assumed to belong to another.
Faction 1: "Get Woke, Go Broke!"- The Reactionaries
Not every person who dislikes/criticizes TLOU2 is a homophobe/transphobe/racist/misogynist. Make no mistake, though: there is a significant portion of "h8ers" that most certainly are angry at this game solely for its unapologetic progressivism. These are The Reactionaries. The anti-SJWs.The anti-feminists. The "YouTube skeptics". The traditionalists. Whatever you want to call them. Back in 2018, TLOU2 took E3 by storm with not only a gameplay trailer but also a front-and-center kiss between Ellie and Dina, marking a historic moment for LGBT inclusion in video games. While the explicit romance did receive some negative feedback from The Reactionaries1, the worst was yet to come. Fast forward to April of 2020. Naughty Dog sprung a devastating leak that revealed every card TLOU2 had up its sleeve. Controversy ensued, particularly around a new character named Abby, who was presumed to be male-to-female transgender due to her masculine features and silhouette. A contemptuous amount of abusive anti-transgender slurs and jokes were subsequently forwarded against Abby on places like 4chan, Reddit, and even YouTube. These assumptions ended up being bullshit, but that didn’t stop TLOU2 from solely representing itself. No, April 2020 was the moment this game became more than itself; it became a symbol for progressivism in high-profile video games–a perceived weapon in a culture war. If you think these people and their audiences only make up a small portion of this outrage mob, think again:
1Name: "Naughty Dog's SJW Agenda in Gaming Exposed"
Uploaded by: No B.S.
Views: 160,000+

Name: “Last of Us Part 2 Ending Leaks Reveal Progressive Agenda”
Uploaded by: No B.S.
Views: 70,000+

Name: “Last of Us 2 Influenced by SJW Anita Sarkeesian”
Uploaded by: No B.S.
Views: 100,000+

Name: “Last of Us 2 Spoiler Talk, This Gets Really Woke!”
Uploaded by: No B.S.
Views: 65,000+

Name: “LGBT Activists: The Last of Us 2 Needs MORE WOKE Representation!”
Uploaded by: Lauren Chen (Roaming Millennial)
Views: 30,000+

Name: “The Last of Us Part 2 LEAKS ONLINE | Another Franchise Falls To SJW Pandering”
Uploaded by: Geeks + Gamers
Views: 180,000+
Sometimes it seems like TLOU2 goes out of its way to stick it to these people, what with its female-driven narrative, unapologetic pro-LGBT stance, and racial diversity. It should be said that TLOU2’s progressivism is a neutral element in terms of how it contributes to the story’s quality, and the game should be neither defended or criticized solely on these grounds. It is, however, a heartening sign that these people’s neanderthalic values are dying out. Stay mad, you slobbering troglodytes.
To close this section, it is undeniable that this specific contention with TLOU2 is not in the minority of the overall controversy surrounding the game. If you are not a fan of this game for unrelated reasons, I’m afraid it is a fact of life that you are going to have to perpetually disavow and distance yourself from these people when you criticize the game. Some of The Reactionaries are wise enough to realize that “it’s bad because it’s woke” is a flimsy criticism, so they will cling to any other criticism that simultaneously grants them credibility and tears the game down, no matter how unwarranted or slanderous that criticism is. They are disguising themselves as one of you. If you are arguing about this game with someone, do not get mad at your interlocutor when they have to verify that your criticism doesn’t come from a place of bigotry, and stop pretending everyone is eager to use bigotry as a scapegoat that dismisses good-faith criticism.
Faction 2: “Neil Disrespected the Fans!” - The Entitled Fan
The Entitled Fan thinks TLOU2 is a poorly-written game simply because they did not like the themes it explores or the narrative direction it takes. Whatever it was they wanted, TLOU2 didn’t do it, so that means the game had bad writing!
Faction 2, on the surface, is similar to another group of people I dub “The Disappointed Fan”, but there’s a key difference that separates the two: whether or not they think the game was poorly written, and if they do think the game was poorly written, why they think the game was poorly written. The Disappointed Fan is not its own faction because they can fall into either Faction 3 (which I will discuss next) or Faction 2. When The Disappointed Fan falls into Faction 2, that is when they evolve into The Entitled Fan.
Before we proceed with my addressal of this faction, let me make something really clear: if you didn’t like the game because it wasn’t what you wanted it to be, this section doesn’t apply to you unless you think the game was poorly written because it wasn’t what you wanted it to be. Got that? This isn’t me calling you entitled just because the game disappointed you. With that said, let’s move on.
Never go into a piece of media with expectations.
Judging by a lot of the discourse I’ve seen regarding this game, many people were expecting to simply get more of what TLOU was, this time with prettier graphics. As such, I’ve seen several posts, videos, comments, etc. that keep comparing TLOU2 to TLOU, then criticizing it for not containing a certain element that was in TLOU.
“TLOU Ellie was funny, but now she’s not.”
“TLOU was about a blossoming father-daughter relationship, but TLOU2 shits all over that.”
“TLOU had Ellie’s immunity as a source of hope. TLOU2 is just nihilistic and depressing.”
“TLOU didn’t throw a character I don’t like at me and force me to play as her.”
Stop. Stop judging this game for what it’s not. Judge this game for what it set out to do and how well it did so.
So what did this game set out to do? TLOU2 sought to be a dark tragedy surrounding the true toll of violence on the end of the perpetrator and the recipient. It’s a tale showing how a tragedy blackened our plucky heroine into a beast aching for destruction which, in the end, only resulted in more tragedy. It’s a tale that explores how the heroes in our eyes may be the villains in the eyes of another and vice versa. Hot dog did it depict these themes with brutal proficiency. Whether or not you personally like these themes or the writer’s decision to explore them is irrelevant to the story’s artistic quality. To act otherwise is beyond annoying; it’s childish and entitled. Yeah, I said it. I think it’s outrageously entitled for someone to lash out at a writer for not writing a story the way they wanted it to be written.
I think TLOU2, for its depressing themes/atmosphere, is of a specific, bitter taste many may not find appetizing. That's fine. Personally, I get a thrill out of stories that take the Shakespearean tragedy angle because stories that give its protagonist(s) an undeservedly tragic ending are rare and particularly gutsy. I think this direction, on top of being unique, is fascinating... and most of all, especially fitting for a world like TLOU. Let me ask you something: did you honestly think this game was going to give Ellie or Joel a happy ending? TLOU has always been a grim series about the loss of everything people held dear. Their homes. Their security. Their family. Their friends. Their own lives. Those who are calling TLOU2 "ToNaLlY iNcOnSiStEnT" must've missed how TLOU depicted this inescapable aspect of this hellscape: it sucks for everyone, and nobody is safe! If TLOU2 never had the guts to pull off what it pulled off, the series as a whole would've wound up bankrupt of stakes and suspense. Who the hell’s going to care about an action scene if we knew the author couldn't scrounge up the temerity to disrobe the main characters of their plot-armor?
If you were disappointed that the game did not meet your expectations... I'm sorry. I genuinely am. It sucks when something you've been looking forward to ends up being different from what you were expecting. This is why I said what I said near the beginning of this section: never go into a piece of media with expectations. Chances are, they won't be fulfilled. Not only will expectations leave you disappointed, they'll also close you off to something you may have otherwise appreciated.
Unfortunately, many fans were already too emotionally attached to Ellie and Joel to possibly consider the idea that they're villains in another perspective (especially the latter). The game wasn’t even asking the players to like Abby and co. over Team Jackson; it just wanted you to at least acknowledge that Abby’s course of action was sympathetic in her perspective. There's nothing inherently bad about being emotionally attached to a character, but Jesus Christ is it frustrating when that emotional attachment makes people unreceptive to an unconventional narrative direction.
Naughty Dog decided to take a controversial, but fitting, route with the next chapter of TLOU, and whether some people like it or not, they did an outstanding job. No, the professional critics were not bribed by Sony. No, the defenders are not deliriously fooling themselves into liking the game because they spent years emotionally invested in the project. No, the defenders are not SJWs who “secretly know the game sucks but are defending it because it advances their political agenda”. We've simply looked beyond our emotional biases and saw this game for what it is: a nuanced, gut-wrenching tragedy. I'm sick of hearing otherwise from a bunch of entitled children who are too busy longing for a game that isn't there instead of analyzing the game that is.
Faction 3: “Why ‘The Last of Us: Part II’ Doesn’t Work” - The Good Faith Critics
The final hostile faction against this game are The Good Faith Critics. While they accuse TLOU2 of being poorly written, they do so not through an emotional or political lens, but through a critical lens. While I have counterarguments to almost all of their criticisms, Faction 3 tends to be the least toxic of the three factions. For that, I tip my hat to most of them for actually behaving like civil adults that are capable of having a critical discussion about TLOU2’s potential hiccups.
I will address their most prominent criticisms one-by-one in the next part of this post. But first I need to mention the last combatant in this bloody battleground:
The Opposing Side: The Professional Critics
While the audience response to TLOU2 is almost literally split straight down the middle, the professional response to has been overwhelmingly homogeneous in TLOU2's favor.
It has been a common sentiment that professional art critics/reviewers are pompous and not worth listening to–that their "professional opinion" is not worth more than the average Joe's. This sentiment stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of the job of a media critic. It is the job of critics and analysts to know how to take a story apart and understand what makes it tick. Once they've arrived at a proper diagnosis, they relay it to their audience. The audience can then make an informed decision over whether or not that movie/game/book/etc. is worth their time or money. Professional critics are supposed to abandon their personal opinions and emotions while reviewing a work and view it strictly through an analytical lens.
That said, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that almost all of this game’s praise is coming from the people who are specifically trained to disassemble and analyze the inner mechanisms of a story… and almost all of the antagonism is made by... oh, how do I put this... casuals who in large part have no interest or experience in the art of storytelling (in addition to the YouTubers who’ve realized they can make some sweet ad revenue off the outrage).
And no, I'm not siding with the critics here because they affirm my enjoyment of this game. There are plenty of cases in which I agree with critical praise for pieces of art I personally don't like, my favorite example being "Persona 5". I went into "Persona 5" with an open mind genuinely believing I'd fall in love with it. The opposite happened. I couldn't connect or empathize with the characters for the life of me. I thought the gameplay was restrictive and repetitive. I didn't like the jazzy music style. I didn't like the minimalistic, toon-shaded art style. Suffice it to say I don't like "Persona 5". However, despite my personal opinions on "Persona 5", I'd be insane to dare insist it is a bad game. While they failed to click with me, the characters were fleshed out, rarely written with inconsistent behavior, and had a ton of rich dialogue. While it's not to this metalhead's taste, the snazzy music is competently composed and played. The gameplay features unique mechanics that were sturdily programmed (i.e., very few bugs/glitches). "Persona 5" deserved every 5/5, 10/10, 90%+ score it got because it is a well-crafted game. Anybody who's honest should be able to say the same for TLOU2, regardless of whether or not they personally enjoyed it.
It is worth mentioning that there is a certain sect of the internet, usually those from Factions 1 and 2 (or both), that insist there was an under-the-table quid pro quo that occurred between Sony and major game reviewers. As I do with every conspiracy theorist I encounter, I’ll simply quote the late Christopher Hitchens to these people: “that which can be asserted without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.”
Let’s move on.

Part 2: Responding to Criticisms

"If I were to lose you, I would surely lose myself."
Joel's song at the beginning of the game foreshadows Ellie's spiral into darkness. The blackening of Ellie's personality over the course of the game was not bad or inconsistent writing, it was intentional and seamlessly executed. One of the first things that struck me as I played through the first few hours of the game was how consistent Ellie's dialogue was with the last game. As the game progresses, Ellie devolves into a restless, cold-blooded girl who is fixated on nothing but vengeance, even if that means throwing away a peaceful life. All of this culminates into one of the game's most important scenes, where Ellie finally realizes that her pursuit of revenge stripped her of everything she held dear–even herself.
A tragic hero at its finest.
I appreciated how TLOU2 starred a variety of characters that fall under the LGBT umbrella. Not only does it normalize LGBT people (which is good), it was also a refreshing change of pace that truly makes this game stand out. I also appreciated how TLOU2 had this sort of diversity without patronizingly pandering to these groups. TLOU2 treats every LGBT member of its cast as real people whose status doesn't make them exempt them from hardship. Dina and Ellie's disagreement is a component of this, for it is treated no differently than any straight couple's. They're not two lesbians who have a bitter end; they're two romantic partners who have a disagreement, which, believe it or not, happens to people in relationships. If Ellie were Elliot, the dynamic between him and Dina wouldn't have to be altered. That, friends, is how you write LGBT people: you don't treat them any differently than non-LGBT people!
I should briefly lay another one of my cards on the table: I approached Abby with an open mind, but also trepidation. Unexpectedly, she ended up becoming my favorite character from the franchise. What is discussed in my response to this particular criticism is part of the reason why.
Ellie and Abby are different people with different backgrounds. Unlike Ellie, Abby is a literal soldier who distinguished herself in the WLF as one of their top Seraphite killers. The result is a jaded girl who copes with trauma on an internal level; she bottles up her sorrows, seldom making them outwardly apparent. When her stoicism does slip, her insecurities usually escape in the form of snappishness2. No, this isn’t me desperately clawing to delegitimize this criticism. It is simply a fact that (and I hate to sound pretentious here) Abby is indeed a well-written but also complicated character that is difficult to read on a surface-level. Diagnosing her thoughts2,3,4, motivations5, reactions, and desires6 often requires a more attentive analysis, as they are rarely expressed in a straightforward manner (except in extraordinary circumstances). Here are some independent points that should paint a picture of what I mean:
1.
2Abby: "Hey. Why have you been avoiding me?"
Mel: "I wasn't avoiding you."
Abby: "C'mon. You've barely said anything to me since Jackson."
Mel: "I don't know... I guess I was... Shook by Jackson too."
Abby: "You don't think Joel deserved what he got?"
Mel: "I think he deserved worse, I just... I just wish I didn't take part in it."
Abby: "I get it. What kind of person could do that, right?"
Mel: "I'm not saying that."
Abby: "Let's see if there's a way to the hatch."
Mel: "All right..."
This exchange from Seattle Day 1 more than suggests Abby has begun to internally acknowledge that the way she killed Joel was inhumanely brutal, and she’s already having second thoughts.
2. 3Since the player is not always directly told Abby’s thoughts, they are often relayed through dream sequences. Each of Abby’s dreams return her to the exact same hall in St. Mary's Hospital and end with her opening the door to the operating room where her father was murdered. The repetitiveness of these dreams communicates that Abby has never gotten over Jerry’s death, and it is constantly on her mind. This is further exemplified by her continued interest in collecting state quarters: one of the only connections she still has to her father. You'll notice, however, that Abby never speaks of this issue–not even to her friends. Compare this to Ellie, who is very open about her grief over the death of Joel.
3. 4At the end of Seattle Day 1, Abby finds Owen in the cabin cruiser at the aquarium. This is when Owen reveals his plan to travel to Santa Barbara to find the remaining Fireflies, a decision for which Abby chides Owen. We then get this exchange:
Abby: Sorry I grew up. You should try it.
Owen: Oh yeah? How do I do that, Abby? Should I go find the people who killed *my* family? Cut into 'em? I could torture them until they're crying in their own-"
Abby interrupts Owen violently, shoving him into the cabin’s walls. She does this because she knows what she did to Joel was cruel and perhaps unjustified, and she cannot bear to listen to Owen remind her of her monstrous actions. Their clash then shifts into a rough lovemaking session. This sex scene was not implemented arbitrarily; this is Abby trying to make the guilt go away. She’s desperate for any kind of temporary pleasure (like a night of coital bliss with the man she loves) that could distract her from her regrets. Unfortunately, this rash action ultimately exacerbates her guilt.
4. 5Abby’s motivations for returning to Yara and Lev are externally dubious. Some players may think Abby helped them out of pity or a sense of obligation since they saved her from being lynched. Mel suspects that Abby wanted to use the kids as a means to manipulatively gain the favor of Owen (who’d begun to grow sympathetic toward the Seraphites). In reality, it’s none of those things. Abby was motivated by a desire to cleanse herself of guilt. Guilt for animalistically torturing Joel to a degree that even made her friends uncomfortable2. Guilt for betraying Mel by sleeping with Owen. Guilt for not being there to save her father. The most beautiful part of Abby’s arc, I believe, is how these selfish motivations evolve into a fiercely protective fraternal love for Yara and Lev.
5. 6In the scene where Abby prepares to slice Dina’s throat, her enthusiastic “good” upon discovering that Dina was pregnant was born not out of sadism, but a grief-fueled desire for Hammurabian justice. This is a component of how she copes with losing her friend Mel, who was also pregnant. “Good”, in this instance, translates to: “oh, you killed my pregnant friend? Then I’ll kill your pregnant friend”. Lev, thankfully, pulls Abby out of her vengeful tunnel vision before she could follow through with the deed.
6. All of this is not to say Abby is 100% a hardened killer who never reacts to trauma in the moment; during gameplay, after you kill your first two Wolves as Abby, she is programmed to always exclaim: “oh shit… shit!” in a severely distressed tone. She is mortified that she is killing her own comrades to protect Lev.
Does this complex style of characterization make Abby difficult for many to empathize with? Probably. I can understand why many people are unreceptive to her semi-abrasive disposition, especially if they’ve already decided to hate her from the get-go. Is it impossible to empathize with her? Absolutely not, especially if you are willing to analyze her with an open mind. Does her polarizing depiction make her poorly written? Hell no. A well-written character is not always universally likable, and Abby is an exemplar of this. For her nuanced portrayal, subtle execution, endearing dynamic with Yara and Lev, and continued mercifulness toward Ellie, I think Abby is a remarkable (and woefully misunderstood) character.
While Ellie does hate Abby for killing Joel, she also hates Abby because she represents something Ellie has spent years wrestling with: what Joel did in Salt Lake City, an act for which Ellie has never forgiven Joel. It was never revealed to Ellie that Abby's quest to kill Joel was to avenge her father, so she has always operated under the notion that Abby and co. traveled to Jackson to avenge humanity, which had been robbed of its only chance at a cure. Thus, in Ellie's perspective, Abby is an agent of karma–the inevitable consequence of Joel's actions. Abby's very existence, to Ellie, is a reminder of how Joel took away her chance of making her life meaningful.
While drowning Abby, a glimpse of Joel strumming his guitar on his porch flashes through her mind. It isn't too long later in the game when it is revealed that this is a memory of the night Ellie makes her first conscious effort toward forgiving Joel for his selfishness. When Ellie releases Abby, this isn't her forgiving Abby; this is her forgiving Joel.
This particular criticism is so silly I almost consider it to tread in the “dishonest” territory. While TLOU2 is undoubtedly more violent than a bulk of its M-rated peers, it has most certainly not earned the crown of that category. Here is a fatality from “Mortal Kombat (2011)”, where Kung Lao drags his opponent crotch-first through a buzz saw until they’re sliced perfectly in half. Here is the first combat scene in “Bioshock: Infinite” where Booker DeWitt slams the face of a policeman into an operating Sky-Hook. Here is a scene from the beginning of “Resident Evil 2: Remake” where Elliot Edward’s hip is torn off his torso, entrails hanging out in all their glory. Here is a scene from “Spec Ops: The Line” where the player is revealed to have deployed white phosphorus on military relief efforts and civilians. For Satan’s sake, here is Joel getting his jaw torn off his face by a Bloater. This objection against TLOU2 is nothing more than a red herring that has been brought up and blown out of proportion for dishonest purposes. Since when were Gamers™ concerned about violence in video games? That’s the job of Karens and Republican politicians. If we take a step back from the outrage, we’ll see that the degree of violence portrayed in TLOU2 is not abnormal–if anything, it’s tamer than some of its contemporaries.
But even if TLOU2 were the most violent video game ever made, that has no bearing on whether or not the story is well-written. If anything, its exorbitant violence is justified since it actually serves a narrative and thematic purpose in this game, unlike the scenes I mentioned above (except “Spec-Ops: The Line”). In a story that focuses on the emotional consequences of horrendous acts the main characters perpetrate, violence is an excellent tool that adds stakes, highlights the ruthlessness of its world, and most importantly, shows the audience how traumatizing brutalization can be, which helps you empathize with distraught characters. If your stomach is too weak to handle this kind of violence, that’s fine, but it isn’t an objective mark against the game.
Frankly, I'm of the opinion that TLOU2 respects Joel by making him the most important figure in the entire game. Joel is at the center of everything. His morally gray legacy lives on in an adult Ellie, the privilege she gets to experience in her peaceful life with Dina, her pursuit of revenge, Abby's pursuit of revenge, and the continued misery the rest of the world faces with the Cordyceps fungus. Killing off a character is not always the end of that character’s role, and that’s especially the case with Joel. His presence, be it implicit or explicit, can be felt everywhere in the game. I believe this was an excellent way to handle a character as morally dubious as Joel. It wouldn’t be right if the story allowed him to live the rest of his life peacefully in Jackson–not after condemning humanity. Millions will continue to die and suffer because of what he did. However, it would also be cruel of the story to simply kill and leave him by the wayside. Selfish or not, he was still a grieving father who obeyed the urge to save the one he loved, something anyone can empathize with. Joel deserved death for his betrayal of humankind, but he did not deserve to be demonized. TLOU2, as demonstrated by the flashback sequences, treated Joel as anything but a villain.

Part 3: Criticisms From Yours Truly

It's time for me to lay down my shield and pick up my sword. Here we go!
A neat addition to the game was how human enemies call out to their fallen comrades by name. This humanizes the enemies and tremendously adds to the game’s exploration of the consequences of violence. However, this remarkable detail falls flat on its face thanks to one hiccup: names are repeated a lot. By the time Ellie killed her third Ashley, I was having a difficult time taking this detail seriously.
But that’s just a nit-pick. Time for me to break out the big guns. My biggest grievance with this game can be summed up in two words: Santa Barbara. Santa McFreaking Barbara. Like a malicious Cordyceps that hijacks the mind and distorts its host into something unrecognizable, the Santa Barbara segment takes TLOU2 and warps it until you have to keep reminding yourself you're playing the same game you were playing an hour ago. The characters it built. The message it built. The themes it built. It is all thrown out the window. Here's why:
1. The Rattlers and their portrayal betray the game's theme of ambiguous morality. The Rattlers are unapologetically sinister, what with how they enslave their captives with a degree of brutality that makes death preferable. They keep and taunt their captives even after they become mindless zombies, which is unjustifiably sadistic. They tie up and leave their misbehaving slaves to die in a macabre yard of decaying bodies that wouldn’t be out of place in the middle ages. Unlike the Seraphites or the WLF, both of which are shown to have sympathetic qualities, the Rattlers are blackened to the bone and indefensible. This results in the most explicit case of thematic inconsistency I've ever seen in any professionally-written story.
2. Finally, the worst offender: the time skip. While I felt a tense emotional investment in the Ellie vs. Abby fight in the theater, I felt the opposite during the Ellie vs. Abby fight on the coast of Santa Barbara, which was supposed to be the emotional peak of the story. Here's the difference between these two events:
-In the theater, I had a deep investment in both of the involved characters. I'd spent 25+ hours watching both girls brave the dangers of Seattle. I saw Ellie banter with Dina, cope with the trauma of losing Joel, discover a new type of infected, chase and beat the snot out of Nora, discover the Seraphites, kill Owen and Mel, and surrender to Abby to protect Tommy. I saw Abby's interpersonal drama with her WLF comrades, meet and bond with Yara and Lev, cross the bridges, descend deeper and deeper into the infected hotel, face the terrifying Rat King, refuse to move from Isaac's line of fire, and grieve after discovering her murdered loved ones. These were the characters I was with every step of the way as they seamlessly evolved during the trio of days in Seattle, and I wanted neither of them to get hurt by the end of it.
-On the shores of Santa Barbara, I didn't know who either character was. I guess Ellie helped Dina start a farmhouse and deliver a baby, dealt with chronic PTSD attacks, and shared a peaceful life with Dina and JJ on the farm, but I never saw any of that, so why should I care about the person these experiences made her into? I guess Abby had been enslaved, beaten, starved, and on the cusp of escape (only to be denied it), but I never saw any of that, so why should I care about the person these experiences made her into?
Whoever these new characters are, they're not the ones we spent the entire game getting to know. Those characters are long dead and gone, lost in the 1-2 years between Seattle Day 3 and the moment we first find Ellie in the farmhouse. As much as I hate to say it, the Santa Barbara segment, in only a mere hour, renders all the hours that came before it obsolete. Worthless. A waste of time.
This isn't me getting upset at the ending. I have no qualms with it at all. How we got there is where the issue lies. Is there a solution to this massive problem? Yes, and it's quite simple: time. It would've been worlds better if this game ended with Abby and Lev leaving the theater (preferably on this screen), which makes for a juicy cliff hanger that leads into Part III (which is probably inevitable with sales like these). If Part III was almost or entirely dedicated to fleshing out the Santa Barbara segment, I firmly believe these problems would cease to exist.
Time would allow us to marinate in the aftermath of Seattle. Maybe we get to see Ellie and Dina search for a farmhouse to claim. Get some sheep. Plant their crops. Dust up the house and make it a home. See Ellie's simultaneous terror and joy when JJ finally comes into their lives. See the ups and downs of Ellie and Dina's shared parenthood. In the meantime, packs of infected and wandering bandits are sure to spring up, providing the player with some stimulating combat as Ellie and Dina defend their new home and family. But in the meantime... Ellie wrestles with night terrors. She continues to see and hear Joel in his final hour. She sees Abby lurking in the theater, but she can't reach her weapon fast enough! The PTSD Ellie carries provides an undercurrent of negativity to her and Dina's otherwise peaceful life, and the pressure only builds over time. It makes her colder. Snappier. Maybe she even occasionally lashes out at Dina, only to quickly apologize afterward. But one day, Tommy pays his first visit in months, and he's brought a map and some information...
Time would allow us to see Abby and Lev's journey to Santa Barbara and their search for the Fireflies. Their big sister-little brother bond grows stronger in their adventures. They probably have lots of run-ins with the infected. A trader probably tips them off to the Rattlers in the area. When they're ambushed and kidnapped, Abby does everything in her power to resist their captors to make sure Lev isn't mistreated, as his transgender status likely puts him at considerable risk for abuse. Resistance is her initial instinct, but she quickly realizes that she can exchange her compliance for Lev's safety. So she works gruesome jobs for gruesome hours. Maybe after realizing how much leverage they have over this talented soldier, the Rattlers give her a weapon and force her to help hunt for escapees and unfortunate travelers (of course, if she turns her weapon against her captors, they'll make sure Lev faces a fate worse than death). After months, Abby finally builds up the confidence to stage an escape with Lev... but their operation fails. She is punished severely for her misconduct. She's starved. Tortured. Beaten. We see her spirit break, and her body emaciates until she is just as weak and helpless as the man she killed in Wyoming. She thinks of him and wonders if this was how he felt. Once the Rattlers are through with making an example out of her and Lev, they're strung up and left to die among dozens of corpses... until a familiar voice comes calling through the fog...
Unfortunately, as it exists now, the rushed nature of the Santa Barbara segment alienated the player from all of the characters involved-even Ellie, who the player is in control of throughout the entirety of the segment. Now, alienating an audience from characters via a time jump can certainly be used to great effect in some stories, but one such story is not this one. For 30ish hours, TLOU2 established itself as the kind of story that earned your investment through subtle character growth. What is the natural predator of incremental character growth? Time skips that gloss over major character-altering events. This was a disastrous decision on the writer's part, and it critically injures what I'd otherwise call a nigh flawless game.

Conclusion

Yes, my criticism of the Santa Barbara section was harsh, but it heartens me to remember it was only ~1.5 hours long. I wouldn't dare condemn the entire ~30-hour game for a fraction of a fraction of its content, especially not when the rest of it was as masterful as it was. A poorly paced ending does not make a story bad, and shame on anyone who thinks it does. It's about the journey, after all, not the destination, and by Satan was this an emotionally thrilling journey indeed. Excluding its ending, I’m glad to give it the highest praises I can offer. Unfortunately, due to a perfect storm of circumstances, this sequel may have cemented itself as the most controversial game ever made. I think that’s a crying shame because this is a great game that often goes where no game has gone before. It is one of the few games that not only challenged its players mechanically, but *mentally,* for it encouraged them to question their biases and see the reasons behind every seemingly evil action. It made giant steps forward for social progress, playing a part in making the world a better place for everyone. I sometimes fear the vitriolic reaction to this game may intimidate future screenwriters from making such bold decisions for their stories, and I believe that would ultimately hold the medium back from its fullest potential, particularly in the storytelling department. I have hope and a little bit of faith that this work of art will eventually stand the test of time, especially once the outrage simmers. Cheers to the developers for making such a wild ride, and I look forward to seeing what happens next.
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Potato war 3 transcript

"There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare." -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
DISCLAIMER
The following events were done by deranged individuals with complete disregard for their own physical and mental well-being.
Please do not attempt this at home.
My name is Technoblade and I'm the fastest skyblock player alive.
To the outside world I'm an ordinary Minecraft youtuber, but secretly I've spent the last year fighting to maintain my spot as the number 1 potato farmer in Skyblock.
Opposing me is Squid Kid, the former rank number 1. A man whose obsession with potatoes is rivalled only by my own.
In my last video I talked about how the newly added rabbit pet could at its highest level could increase the amount of potatoes my minions made by 30% but I knew Squid would watch my video to find out my tactics so I left out a few of the finer details.
See the boost from rabbit pets isn't the same as flycatchers or catalysts, you have to be there.. on the island for the boost to take effect. Once you log off or go to somewhere else on skyblock that boost is gone until you come back.
But while I was experimenting with the rabbit pet I uncovered a few interesting facts about how the boost works for instance:
Rabbit pets can boost other people's minions if you're visiting their island as a guest, but minions can only get boosted by one rabbit at a time so you cant just get 20 accounts with rabbit pets for infinite potatoes. The third thing I found was the most interesting and this is what Squid Kid didn't know. If there's multiple rabbit pets on the same island which one boosts the minions? You'd think it'd be the strongest one but it's not!
If there's multiple rabbits the minions will be boosted by the one belonging to whoever's been on the island the longest. So hypothetically speaking if someone went to their island with their level 100 rabbit when someone was already there with the level 1 one, they wouldn't get their rabbit's 30% boost, they'd get the level 1's 0.3% boost.
Unrelated fun fact, did you know that squid kid's island is still open to visitors? Yeah that's right we're doing this again...
So I bought a new Minecraft account, slapped a level 1 legendary rabbit pet onto it and shipped it off to Squid Kid's AFK pool! I knew I had to maintain absolute secrecy- I didn't even tell my goons about this because I knew once Squid got wind of this it would be trivially easy for him to prevent it.
I waited until the day I released the second Potato War video to start, after that video tourists flocked to Squid Kid's island to see it for themselves, my alt blended right in.
Everday my alt would sit there in Squid Kid's afk pool to maintain rabbit priority in fact it usually had the rabbit pet deactivated during the day since you don't need to have the pet out to keep priority and since the rabbit was deactivated if squid checked his minions during the day he'd find nothing wrong with them.
But every night around 2am Squid would leave his account AFK and go to bed and that's when I'd strike overriding his rabbit pet boost for the rest of the night and yes I memorized Squid's sleeping schedule, I mean at this point how is that even a question of course I did but unfortunately complications soon arose.
Squid and I had both been rushing to get our rabbit pets to level 100 and I had a pretty heavy lead and I figured it'd take Squid several more weeks to get his there, but unfortunately and unknwon third party got there first and sold his level 100 legendary rabbit directly to Squid.
Of course he didn't forget to brag about this victory on stream.
Squid: "Oh my oh my, you know who doesn't have a level 100 pet, yikes he has a level 99 rabbit pet, he's poor, it's only level 99 I'm screaming ahhhhhhhhh."
Little did he know that while he was flexing on stream, my alt was right there on his island overriding his level 100 bonus.
But my problems didn't stop there you see, Squid got an alt account to AFK with his rabbit pet on his island while he was doing other things and since the alt account had no reason to ever leave his island it became much harder to keep control of pet priority and sometimes when I had priority he'd end up kicking everyone from his island because it was too full for his alt account meaning I had lost priority for the rest of the day.
I was going to counter this by spending $30 to buy his alt MVP++ since that rank can bypass guesting limits #ad but unfortunately on March 20th my alt was kicked and Squid's island was closed forever.
The jig was up but by that point I'd already achieved my objective. The two weeks it took to realize what was going on cost him about 2 million potatoes.
Bit of a tangent but I'm pretty sure I lost a few fans over the rabbit pet because everyone would just be hanging out, they'd just be chilling on my island with their level 30 rabbits activated and I'd come see that and I don't care if it's intentional or not but they're sabotaging my potatoes! So I'd kick them out of my island to get priority back and they they'd come back 10 seconds later like:
"Why did you kick me Technoblade? I just wanted to meet my favourite youtuber :("
And I'd be like woah woah relax dude relax it's not a big deal, I have a really good reason I just can't tell you because it is a secret and then you're like:
"It's okay Technoblade I know the reason.. It's because you hate ME SPECIFICALLY I'll just go leave forever now."
And I'm just like WAIT come back noooo so Squid closed his island which meant I couldn't sabotage him anymore, but what if I told you that was also part of my master plan?
You ever noticed how my island has been open to visitors during the potato war? In the last video I explained:
"I made an AFK machine on my island so planted potatoes would keep growing even why I wasn't online."
I was actually using an advanced technique there called LYING, this clip of the AFK pool was from November, I didn't even make the manual farm until January!
You might recall from the first Potato War video depending on whether there's people on the island or not. Because if no one is on the island, Hypixel's not gonna waste resources keeping that server online so they are going to close the server and then when you come back they're gonna go oh well it's been 7 hours and it's gonna run a calculation and give you 7 hours worth of stuff.
But as we've seen before that calculation isn't perfect, so I ran an experiment and I found that when someone's on my island I get 10% more potatoes! And there was only one thing boosting my minions by 10%.. the Farm Crystal.
The farm crystal is an external buff so it's not included in the offline calculation so if there's at least one person on my island and Squid's island is empty I'd get 10% more potatoes! Now it was easy to get people to AFK on my island, what was difficult was getting people off of Squid's island.
You see even months after the first potato war video came out when the initial hype was starting to die down a bit there would be at least one of my own viewers AFK on Squid's island every night. You know.. as a joke! Sometimes I would be on Squid's island on an alt account and I'd see someone in the chat:
"I'm gonna go AFK to help Technoblade win the potato war!"
And I'd beg them, I'd be like "no dude please, please he fixed that months ago, that doesn't hurt him anymore and they'd be like:
"I'M HELPING"
and AFK all, Squid Kid was getting boosted by my own viewers and there was nothing I could do to stop them because what was I going to do, announce that AFKing helped him? Then even MORE people would AFK! I realised that the only way to stop this from happening would be to get Squid to close his own island to visitors without him realising that that's what I wanted all along.
It took four long months but it finally happened, but anyways back to this tweet, so Squid says he closed his island because someone filled his potion system with rookie axes.
A common trolling method in SkyBlock is to fill people's inventories with useless items like boats, but the rookie axe is even worse for players like Squid Kid who use the skyblock add-ons mod which has a feature which makes it very difficult to drop tools out of your inventory.
The point is to stop people from accidentally dropping weapons worth millions of gold, but it also applies to the rookie axe sold in shops for 12 coins, so basically someone dumping a ton of rookie axes into your hopper system is the worst thing someone can do to you in skyblock.
Now I've always been interested in psychology, in fact I almost majored in it so after 6 months of stalking Squid, I had developed a bit of a psychological profile of this man.
I know how he TALKS, I know how he THINKS and when I saw this tweet I instantly knew that thiis man was LYING. Now don't get me wrong I completely believe that somebody dropped rookie axes into his hoppers because it was me but that's not the real reason he closed his island after all I'd been dropping rookie axes into his hoppers for weeks, but he sent that tweet eight minutes after he kicked my alt.
So I get to thinking, why would Squid lie about that? And I realize Squid knows I monitor his tweets, but what he doesn't know is that that was my alt account from his perspective that could have been some random guy with a rabbit and if that was the case I'd have no idea rabbits could be used that way.
As such him lying in that tweet could only mean one thing, he's about to sabotage ME! So i held a stakeout on my island and guess what I found a few hours later, a brand new skyblock account AFKing with a level 1 legendary rabbit. Truthfully I could have stopped squid before he even joined my island but I wanted to catch him in the act because I'm always getting comments saying:
"OMG Technoblade why are you so mean to Squid?"
They don't understand, this is WAR there's no holding back! I know that and Squid knows that, the only difference is that I'm 20 steps ahead, he's playing skyblock while I'm playing Deathnote.
He thinks he can outsmart me with my own strategies because he is yet to realise that he is but a puppet and I the puppeteer DANCE POTATO BOY! DANCE!
So anyways I got on my secret alt account and sent his secret alt account a party invitation and then I DMed him on discord Yo dude accept my invite!
Squid: "Well this is awkward.."
He actually did accept my invite and we had a lovely conversation and then I BANNED him from my island get OUT of here you trued again with another account a few days later, I don't have any proof that this account is him but look at that username "Stinky Bozo" That's a pretty unusual word in fact I've only heard one person say it:
Squid: "Bozo, Bozo, you are Bozo Bozo, nice one Bozo, you're a freaking Bozo Bozo"
Yeah that's right get out of here, I did eventually close my island, but not before I made sure I wouldn't lose potatoes.
After that I moved on to the next phase of my master plan if I wanted to farm more potatoes I'd have to start farming pumpkins, but wait a minute Technoblade, that's the wrong vegetable! Wait.. what do you mean it's a fruit?
Whatever at this point we pretty much maxed out the output of our minions the only thing left to work on was the speed we could farm potatoes by hand! The farming skill gives more crops as you level up so I decided to grind it to the highest level.
I did the math and found that farming potatoes is so incredibly inefficient at levelling up farming that it was actually more worthwhile to build a whole pumpkin farm.
I began the construction of a pumpkin farm large enough that by the time I finished farming it in full, the pumpkins at the beginning would have already regrown. I don't even want to tell you how long it took to build this.
And so I began farming day after day at times I'd farmed for so long without break that the people watching thought that I was botting, word of my pumpkin farming soon reached Squid who began farming pumpkins himself, but he only saw the surface level of what I was doing.
You see I wasn't just levelling up my farming skills I was also levelling up multiple legendary rabbits. There's a reason I wanted to stop people from AFKing on Squid's island even after he started AFKing himself and it's because it's almost IMPOSSIBLE for one man to AFK every hour of the day because servers restart, the game can update, your internet can go out and if you're asleep or doing something else you'll be missing out on those bonuses until you get back.
Even the most dedicated individual might only average 20 hours of AFK coverage per day and those 4 hours alone without the rabbit pet and farming crystal cost you 100 thousand potatoes and over time, that adds up.
To fix this flaw, I got multiple level 100 rabbits some leveled myself and others purchased for tens of millions of coins and then distributed to goons in diverse timezones. I set my island so only guild members could visit and I had my head goon code a discord bot that automatically pinged them within five seconds of the rabbit account leaving my island at which point one of them could log into the island themselves and boost my minions until I got back.
After a few weeks we both reached farming level 50. On May 4th there was a pet update which added among other things the elephant pet which at its highest level could increase crop yield by 25%. Ordinarily a buff to manual farming would be bad for me since it allows squid to catch up that much more quickly, but I had a plan.
The reason farming potatoes by hand is so inefficient is because when you break potatoes they don't grow back so 2/3 of the time you spend farming is spent replanting the potatoes you just harvested. Squid Kid and his viewers spent many hours trying to find a workaround to this even building an elaborate redstone machine in an attempt to somewhat automate replanting, but in the end they failed to find a better method and continued farming normally:
Squid: "I should be able to plant five (potatoes) at the same time, why is it so dang slow it takes forever"
What if I told you I found a way, you see back in January I had an idea, what if I had the minions plant for me. At the time this was impractical for two reasons,
One, I didnt have enough farming bonuses for it to be worth sacrificing the minions normal output, but this was solved when i got farming level 50 secondly potato minions were simply too slow, but since then they've buffed fly catchers, added the rabbit pet and added foul flesh, a new fuel source which buffs minion speeds by 90% even then the potato minions weren't quite fast enough to keep up, but I thought to myself if they're only going to be planting they don't need to waste an upgrade slot on a super compactor, so I spent another 250 million coins to get 48 total flycatchers.
Squid and I both started farming potatoes but his method could get at most 200 thousand potatoes per hour whereas my method with double flycatchers even after subtracting the amount the minions would have made themselves could get 410 thousand potatoes per hour. For the next three weeks Squid farmed hours every day but I was farming at the same time.
Squid: "What are the odds he's farming right now, five bits I bet techno is doing the same thing just has like a 130% faster way to do it"
In this time I expanded my lead by another 5 million potatoes, but at this point Squid and I had been farming potatoes for almost a year and we were still farming hours every day with no end in sight neither of us wanted this to continue so we came to an agreement.
Whoever got to 500 million potatoes first would win the potato war. Hypixel even pitched in saying he'd give a surprise to the winner. Now I was only at 300 million potatoes at this point, but I figured I had this in the bag I mean I've been tracking Squid's potato count, I accounted for his afk coverage by having the discord bot track his alt accounts logins and I knew how much he was farming by hand because I was monitoring his farming experience.
With a 45 million potato lead and a farming method twice as fast as his own, what could possibly go wrong?
JUNE 6
Things go very wrong, it was just a small update with a few quality of life changes, you know like an enchantment which replants crops after you farm them and an item which automatically compacts items in your inventory so you don't have to spend time on that. You know, two minor changes which just so happened to buff Squid's farming method from 200 thousand potatoes to 1.2 million potatoes (per hour) and my farming method becomes WORTHLESS.
Suddenly my 45 million potato lead goes from insurmountable to yes Squid could farm that in a couple days, Squid starts putting in crazy hours:
Squid: "If I do 12 hours a day can he keep up absolutely not, people say Technoblade never dies but I'm putting him in the grave."
Meanwhile I'm sitting here in shambles, I was out here with my lab coat on doing the science coming up with new never before seen potato farming techniques and this man just goes admins please replanting is too hard and they buff his farming method six-fold!
Was that it? Eight months of plotting and scheming just to fail in the final stretch? NO i couldn't except that, I was going to win this war whatever the cost. I immediately drank three months of mystical mushroom soup and got to work expanding my old potato farm. A project which would take 25 hours over the next couple days.
I knew I was playing the game as intended when I realised that the only reason I ever put on one of the strongest armour sets in the game was to use its 3% speed bonus to optimize tilling dirt. For the next two weeks I did nothing except eat, sleep and farm potatoes, there were only three interuptions each of which cost me millions of potatoes. The first was a dentist appointment and the second was when I had to play in Minecraft Championships.
Squid: "What do I message him? Was it worth your time losing MCC? ehehehheheehhe" "It took me 2 hours to lose MCC but it'll cost you 9 months to lose the potato war, kayyyyyy RELAX, RELAX, hello?"
Besides that there was only one other time:
"I had to go to the store the other day, I had to interrupt my potato farming because my dad was like hey can you go to the store and pick up my medicine and I was like, can I really tell him that I'm not getting his medicine because I need to farm potatoes? Can I really? Look I'm an atheist, but when God sends me to hell I want him to hesitate, okay? I want him to hesitate for a few seconds.
But Squid was also farming several hours a day and he had evem found a way to maxmize his afk coverage. He started sleeping with his headphones on and had his goons wake him up via discord call whenever his alt left his island.
As someone with a discord bot tracking his online activity I can tell you right now that that man is telling the truth. He was waking up multiple times per night, I don't know why he didn't just use backups like me, he actually revealed to me later on that one of my original goons betrayed me and gave him one of our internal documents and the list of backup pet users is literally RIGHT there at the top of the first page I have no idea how he missed it.
But anywas squid logged off an hour and a half ago, he should be entering REM sleep just about now it would be a real shame if someone woke him. I didn't actually wake him up because I wasn't sure if intentional sleep deprivation was legally considered torture or not so I decided to shelf that strategy for the time being.
And after sacrificing two weeks of my life I finally reached 500 million potatoes.
"WE WIN THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE"
Squid was shocked:
Squid: "He's at 499? No he's not, dude there is actually like, it's not possible! NOOOOO it's not, this can't be reaaal!"
Squid had been certain that he was right on my tail.
Squid: "I don't know how fr behind I am, 100% less than 30 million"
And yet when I won the war I had a lead of over 88 million potatoes. How did i do it? It's just as Sun Tzu says:
"All war is deception." -Sun Tzu
You see I knew after the second potato war video things were gonna get more difficult from here on out, because at this point Squid had a full on organization backing him he had goons, a cabal of billionaires funding his every move, 100s of stream viewers on how to farm potatoes more quickly and reporting on my every move so in that video I prepared my final trick. I hid my true potato count.
The number shown in my video wasn't edited, but it didnt include the millions of potatoes left uncollected in my minions. I also said that my minions now produce 1.58 million potatoes, but they're actually producing 1.75 million because the rabbit pet doesn't actually boost your minions by 30%, it boosts them by 43% why? I don't know it's probably bugged and Squid couldn't realise the real number when he got a level 100 rabbit of his own because he was being sabotaged!
But the biggest reason my lead expanded by that much was because over those two weeks, while Squid averaged 8 hours of farming per day, I averaged 11!
Squid: "I just can't believe how much he's farming."
MenacingBanana: "The admins were legit saying that Techno is just like so focused, it baffled them at how like just insane he was he had no breaks!"
Squid: "I swear to god this Technoblade dude is focused on another level"
Towards the very end Squid had one of his goons write a program to chart how much I was farming by tracking how much experience my elephant pet had, but by then it was too late. Once I won the war there was nothing left to do except celebrate my victory with grace and humility.
Squid: "OHHH MY GOOOOSH he's doing a little emote on me ooohh my not like this come onnnn, was was this necessary?"
"Watch me dance Squid Kid you looose! You lose the WAR!"
After the war the admins added a temporary NPC to the skyblock hub, the potato king it gave out a new talisman which boosted potato minions by 5%, a basket for the top 1000 potato farmers and to me, the POTATO CROWN engraved upon it:
"All men can see the tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved." -Sun Tzu, The Art of War
That NPC is gone now, I took too long to edit this video! I gained a lot from the Potato War; patience, discipline, carpal tunnel. I guess my main regret is that I bribed Squid's discord admin to give my alt permission to see into his secret text channels and then HE NEVER USED THEM ALL YEAR!
With the war over Squid took down his potato minions and my fields have gone unfarmed while we were enemies I still respect Squid Kid, I understand now that it is only with a worthy rival that once can reach their fullest potential, while he may have lost the war, he's gone from 70 subscribers to having tens of thousands of fans so it can't be said that he's lost completely. For my part I've realized now that rank number isn't an achievement, it's a prison which forces you to dedicate your life to defending a temporary title, but now with the war finally over... I'm free
Wandering Nomad plays whilst Techno begs for subs
Transcript by u/ethwoo
submitted by ThePeaceKeeper1 to OneWordBan [link] [comments]

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